Sometimes It's Like The Wheel and I Share a Brain

I’ve been to a few weddings in my life and even co-starred in one myself. They’re always enjoyable celebrations and wonderful chances to catch up with people whether they’re old friends, distant relatives or former cellmates. If I ever go to a wedding as tedious and infuriating as the one in Rachel Getting Married I might end up swearing them off for good.

Most of the people in the film seemed to be having a good time though so are we just heartless bastards who hate watching others enjoy themselves when we can’t be a part of the action or were the characters in this film really as heinous as they appeared to us?

I don’t really know. I’ve been trying to figure it out since this got wonderful reviews and other people I know really dug it but I just hated everyone in this movie. I hated the crybaby father, the cruel and distant mother, the fresh out of rehab sister and most of all the hateful Rachel who was so gross and so smug.

Her friends were all toolboxes as well. They all were so pleased with themselves. It was like a nonstop pat-yourself-on-the-back-for-being-so-hip party. Do people really act the way these cretins did during the rehearsal dinner? That dude in the sunglasses who thought he was the bee’s knees deserves an extra eternity in hell for the suffering he put me through. If there were a spin lower than one, I would give it to this movie for his performance alone.

And let’s not forget the ludicrousness of the dishwasher scene. I couldn’t tell if the husband-to-be was supposed to actually be loving this absurd nonsense or just tolerating the family in the lead up to the wedding. If I was him, I would have amended my vows that very night to include something about promising to move far, far away from the rest of those wingnuts.

But he’d still be stuck with Rachel. To have to wake up every day next to that beaky face and wonder what long-simmering domestic issue would come boiling up today is a hell of a jail sentence to assign yourself. Save yourself, dude from TV on the Radio!! You do not want to get mixed up in this lady’s mommy issues!

The woman who played Rachel has zoomed to the top of my list of actors and actresses who I will avoid at all costs in the future and who will forever be the subject of my ire. After this malarkey and her turn as the most annoying phony hippie/beat/folky artist of all time in Mad Men she has rightfully claimed the number one slot.

Goodbye Will Smith. Hello Rosemarie DeWitt.

And coming in as a close second would be everyone in Nick and Norah's Infinitely Playlist.

Except for Michael Cera, right?

Right. He was still good but nothing he did could salvage this terrible mistake. Not only was it poorly written, badly acted, shoddily edited and amateurishly filmed it was also a confused mess. It was like four films in one, all of them poopy.

This waste of celluloid seemed like it was written by 15 year olds for 15 year olds. With the exception of a few laughs, I hated every single second of this movie. It was the longest 90 minute film I've ever seen.

My only hope is that Michael Cera did this as a favor for someone because there's no way I can believe he read the script and wanted to particpate in this abomination. How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.

Spoiler Alert!

You can thank me later for saving you 90 minutes of your life. Here we go:
The horrible band Michael Cera was in & their horrible song, the awkward shoehorning in of indie music and Bishop Allen's live performance, the way everyone said Norah was the coolest yet she was cold and boring and mean, the gum in the toilet, the "joke" about how the drunk friend liked to vomit in the same places in NYC, the drunk friend, the non-drunk friend, the whole Where's Fluffy nonsense, the absurd holding hands stupidity, the fact that the two gay guys in the band had a trunk full of women's underwear for no apparent reason, the doofus the band members pick up who says his name is "Lothario" with a straight face, the way none of the clubs or bars seemed to have any issue with scores of 18 year olds pouring through the doors, the drag queen holiday cabaret, the horrifying seduction dance by Nick's ex, the orgasm subplot, the Electric Lady Studios visit and the terrible ending. Do not see this movie. It will make you hate romance and it will make you hate music.

Somehow though, Michael Cera emerges unscathed.