The Road to Hell is Paved With Old Acquaintances

My decision to see Away We Go was a little like that Taxi episode where Latka is stuck in a cab with another woman during a snowstorm or something and he has to decide between freezing to death or cheating on Simka with this stranger to stay warm. He labors over the decision as neither is a desirable option and he vasciallates forever over what to do. While the decision to see this movie was not a life or death situation it was a difficult choice. On one hand you've got Maya Rudolph who I completely adore and who elevates everything she's in. On the other hand you've got John Krasinski, a bland meatball whose self-satisfied demeanor on The Office is annoying at best.

He's a mental goon who has blackmailed his way into Hollywood. What is most upsetting about him is that he doesn't seem to be acting on The Office, I think he's actually that dull and smug in real life. Maybe he doesn't even know he's on a teevee show. Maybe he really believes he's part of a six year documentary on the most dysfunctional office in America.

I doubt that but I find him more repellent than appealing and wasn't looking forward to another hour and a half with the guy. Shockingly, he won me over in the first few seconds of the movie. His affectless acting and genuine sincerity were a refreshing change from the heinous Jim character and his talk about wanting to teach his child how to whiddle was endearing. Maya Rudolph as well was effortlessly naturalistic but sorely underused. The first third of this film was pretty entertaining but then it entered a tailspin from which it never recovered.

And the explosion as it hit the ground was glorious. The premise is laid out well and is intriguing - a pregnant couple visit old friends in various North American locations to decide where they want to live and raise their kid - but they completely loused it up with a neverending string of cliches and impossible-to-like characters. Nobody, from the parents to the sister to the old college chums, seemed in the least bit believable. I had heard tales of how over the top and horrible Maggie Gyllenhaal was in this film but everyone they met was just as cretinous. I kept wanting them to wake up and realise what jerks these people all were and decide to move to a town where they didn't know anybody so they could remove themselves from the chuckleheads of their past.

The movie went from enjoyable to tolerable to unbearable in three acts. First time parents and people in the midst of a move are under enough stress without having to suffer as many fools as these two did.

Director Sam Mendes finally stopped the torture with a treacly ending that did nothing to recapture any of my good will. A horrible, horrible movie that will turn you off children, rekindling old friendships and traveling. I give it a 1 and two thumbs down. If you've always wanted to build and move into that bomb shelter you've been planning for years, this is the film for you.

Frankie Paycheck and the Contractual Obligations

The Pixies mean a lot to me. Their album Doolittle knocked me off my axis and led me to a new world of music listening. Black Francis' otherworldly howl blew me away and resulted in a years long obsession with screaming in songs. They are still one of my favorite bands of all time yet I eyed their 2004 reunion with suspicion and disinterest. Like Freaks and Geeks or Arrested Development, the Pixies never wore out their welcome and ended before they lost the plot so what was the point of the tour? They ended on a pretty acrimonious note and both Frank Black and Kim Deal had continued to make music at varying levels of popularity so were they getting together simply for the money? Since their legacy only grew over the decade since their split, they were certainly due a victory lap but I had no interest in being a part of it. The 2006 documentary loudQUIETloud does a good job of validating my uneasiness over the whole reunion and subsequent tour. At times, it was a pretty uncomfortable film to watch.

Because you hate rock n roll?

No, that was not the issue.

Because you hate success?

Um...no. What kind of jerk do you think I am?

The Pixie hating kind. This documentary was the next best thing to being there and I give it an 8. Not only did you get to see fiery performances by a group of phenomenal musicians who haven't lost an ounce of passion but you get to see them as people, kissing their children, putting on eyeliner, practicing magic tricks.

You didn't find that stuff at all depressing? Watching Kim Deal chain smoking and drinking non-alcoholic beer while her sister travels alongside her to make sure she stays clean and sober. Watching Frank Black suffer through endless inane interviews and looking totally bored to be back on tour with these people. Watching David Lovering do anything at all.

He was hilarious with his magic tricks and his hyperactiveness and his lying. What about his weird obsession with his new iPod? That was one of the most bizarre and amazing scenes I've watched all year.

It hurt my soul. He was so desperate to get back together with the band and he was hurting for money so bad at the start of the movie yet he was so annoying on tour and lapsed into some pretty bad habits, nearly derailing the whole thing. He totally creeped me out. And it was so odd how little they seemed to know or care about each other. There was no camaraderie and no friendship. It was all so workmanlike and seemingly paycheck driven that I left the movie feeling very, very sad. It makes me even more perplexed that they are out there touring again playing Doolittle in its entirety every single night. If they are finally getting their due after years of semi-obscurity and relative pennilessness, good for them, but I just couldn't care less about it all.

That's because you hate rock n roll. When the 4 Non Blondes reunion happens, I'll be sure to let you know.

More Pig Toupees Than You Can Shake a Stick At

Babe: Pig in the City is without a doubt one of the strangest films I have ever seen. It's only tangentially related to the eponymously titled Babe from three years prior and is light years more bizarre. Where the first film was a wholesome "underdog turns hero" romp performed by a futuristic breed of Julliard-trained animal actors (or animactors) this "sequel" is like the fever dream experienced by Farmer Hoggett after eating too much fungus-laden cornmeal. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it but I just didn't quite know what to make of it.

That's because you're a Philistine and a nincompoop. Babe: Pig in the City is as flawless a film as has ever blessed the world. Babe (Original Version) was a lovely, but somewhat-boring, morality tale that played it safe at every turn while this revelation improves on the first in almost every way. It nearly explodes at the seams with absurdity creating a real live cartoon using animation-quality humans and talking animals in hairpieces. There are laughs galore as well as edge-of-your-seat action sequences that will leave you breathless. There are hilarious scenes of mice singing silly songs that are sure to please the kids (and the more erudite adults in the audience) alongside world class puns, e.g. the monkey's name is Thelonious! And let's not forget the chills and spills. And thrills. This film makes bungee jumping cool again and you'll be amazed at the way it toys with your emotions. I for one was agog at how deftly the director made me empathize with a dog I had only moments before hoped would die in some sort of horrible flame-filled death.

Yeah, that scene was a bit much, not only for the children viewing the movie but the elders as well. Watching that poor dog nearly drown was excruciating and I'm not even much of a dog person.

Well, he got what was coming to him but you're right, it was agonizing. My chants of "Die, doggy, die!" were quickly muffled by my blubbering as I bit my pillow and hoped against hope that the little guy would live.

It seemed to go on way too long, almost torturing the audience as we waited for Babe to do the right thing and save the cretinous soul from a watery death. Actually, many of the scenes in this film overextended their welcome. For the most part it was enjoyable but it also left me feeling spent.

Exactly - you're left with that unmistakable happy-sad feeling. I felt the way I imagine a hiker would feel when they finally reached the pinnacle of Mt. Everest after years of training. Once all your dreams are fulfilled, you have to learn to balance that joy with the realisation that you are now an empty shell looking for a home.

You've lost me completely. I can't say I agree with your reaction to the movie but I did like a lot of it. It was inventive and odd and full of strange little touches like the way the skyline in the city was an amalgamation of several famous cityscapes and the way it seemed to exist out of time with references to the late 18th century, the 1930s and the future all at once. It was certainly an unexpected pleasure with the emphasis on unexpected.

As memorable a film as you'll see in a lifetime. A perfect 10. A hidden gem to be treasured forever.

Here are three fun facts about the film courtesy of Wikipedia.
1. George Miller, who made Mad Max, also directed this. Both movies feature dystopian hellscapes where law has no sway.
2. It, like its predecessor Babe, was banned in Malaysia. For what reason I do not know.
3. Babe: Pig in the City was also Gene Siskel's choice for Best Movie of 1998.

Ahh, Mr. Siskel. A gentleman and a scholar. As Billy Joel once said, "Only the good die young."

There's Nothing Like a Forced Confession

It's been a week and a half since I last posted and the movies just keep piling up. I realise now that I am watching movies at a much quicker pace than I am writing about them and certain films have fallen behind and will be left in the dust. There are some I viewed months ago and couldn't write about now if I wanted to (which I don't) because I can't remember a goddamn thing about any of them. The Thin Man? Claire's Knee? Waterlillies? Did I actually watch something called Spring Breakdown? To correct this laziness I am challenging myself to write a review every day this week so let's rock. But before I get started, I just want to comment on how lame James Cameron's new movie, Avatar, looks. Now I know I've only seen the preview but is this what people have been hotly anticipating forever? This is the movie that he had to wait 20 years to make so that technology could catch up to his vision? This is his follow up to the equally flummoxing Titanic?

It looks like Aliens meets Ferngully meets The Dragonriders of Pern. Super lame.

So on to better things. Let's discuss There Will Be Blood. I saw this masterpiece when it came out but liked it even more the second time around. Complex plot lines can easily confuse and overwhelm me and during my first viewing, I remember being a bit lost at times. This was partially due to the fact that I'm not an expert on the finer details of oil well digging and fleecing communities out of their money but it was also because all white people looked alike in the early 20th century. All those dark suits and facial hair make it impossible to tell anyone apart. This time I was able to pay more attention to the interweaving plot lines and the subtle differences in moustaches so my understanding and enjoyment increased immensely.

I too really loved it and give it a 9. Daniel Day Lewis is rightly celebrated for his tightly wound and slightly unhinged performance of a man slowly giving himself over to his inhumanity. The beginning is stunning, the middle engrossing and the ending perfection.

During my first viewing I thought it was a little too slowly paced but the second time I could have taken another hour. I liked Paul Thomas Anderson's previous three films a great deal but this was such a welcome change and an unpredictable left turn.

It's almost a shame this came out the same year as No Country For Old Men because any other year, I would say this would be a shoo-in for Best Picture. In every way, it is an amazing achievement and such a beautiful examination of greed and obsession. I'm a little bit sad it wasn't honored with more Academy Awards because it is so uniformly awesome. Everyone involved with it deserves a trophy.

I would give Paul Dano the Academy Award for creepiest creep of the year.

And quite possibly the decade.

The Sitnky French and Their Stinky Films

One of the greatest surprises I ever had in life was finding out that small foreign films aren't necessarily blockbusters in their native lands. I guess I figured that if the movie made it to our shores, it must have been pretty big back in the motherland. When visiting France a decade ago I was shocked to see giant billboards in Paris for solely American films like "Mr. G" (Holy Man), "Sexe Intentions" (Cruel Intentions) and "American Boys" (Varsity Blues). Then I discovered while discussing movies with our host family in Provence that French art films are just as obscure there as they are here. I guess explosions truly are the international language and thoughtful, talky movies are an acquired taste no matter where you live.

We recently watched two Frenchy films and I loved them both. First up is The Class, an incredible portrait of an open-minded, thought provoking teacher trying his best to excite, entice and engage with his high school students. The naturalistic acting and dialogue is incredibly refreshing and the honest portrayals of the students, a diverse assembly of personalities and varying interest levels, was addictive to watch. I felt like I could have easily enjoyed four hours of this film and its fascinating conversations.

The scenes of the teachers chatting in the lounge or preparing for the school year or weighing their options when deciding how to punish a student were some of the most fascinating in the whole movie. Watching good intentioned adults struggle with the bizarre reality of the high school world and the adolescent mind was at once terrifying and exhilarating, making me both fear for and have great hope for the future. I give it a 7.

This movie reminded me why I got out of the profession. As always, my hat is off to teachers worldwide for holding their nose and jumping into the deep end. I have neither the desire nor the fortitude to pull it off.

Next up is L'Enfant, a brilliantly acted film about babies having babies. Well, not babies exactly but young adults who are selfish and petty and have twisted moral codes.

It seemed to me that the mother had her head screwed on pretty straight but it was just the guy who was a total degenerate. I guess she's at fault for hanging around with him in the first place but once he sells the baby she at least has the sense to try to ditch this zero.

What blew my mind about the character of Bruno was how out of whack his ideas were. He sells their child for cash while out walking around the gritty streets and is shocked - SHOCKED! - when his girlfriend Sonia is upset about this. Bruno seems to be expecting a round of applause or drinks for his actions and instead is mysteriously met with tears and rejection. The rest of this incredible movie follows Bruno as he tries to buy the baby back and right the many wrongs in his life. Unfortunately, his one talent is making bad decisions so it doesn't go as smoothly as he hopes.

The guy's a total cretin and he made me sick just to look at him. I thought this would be a heartwarming tale about young love and making it work in the unforgiving landscape of the modern city but instead was about scumbags and roustabouts and I was bitterly disappointed. A big fat 2 for this one.

I didn't know you were such a softie. I expected you to dig the dirtiness and grime of this movie.

When there's a baby in peril, I don't fool around. It took me a while but I finally figured out the titular child of this film was not the actual baby but instead Bruno and his petulant and infantile antics. A true downer.

I wonder why it wasn't a blockbuster?

The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

Okay, enough of the 1970s. I'm ready to talk about Coraline, a kids movie not suitable for kids since it is actually a terrifying horror film about daydreams that turn into nightmares. What if you wanted a different life with different parents in a different world full of possibilities and wonder but it turned out to be a creepy backwards world full of dread and sadness? Coraline brilliantly explores the wonder of discovering a door to an alternate reality and all the exciting potential that brings followed by the crushing hammer of disappointment when this hall of mirrors shatters into tiny, jagged fragments. People had told this was a genuinely creepy movie and it certainly is. It's the kind of thing that could easily give a little kid nightmares and can trouble the soul of even the heartiest adult.

I was blown away by the animation in this film. So richly detailed and full of gorgeous colors. The shadows and backgrounds and set designs shocked me stupid with wonder and amazement. I give Coraline a big fat 9.

There is no doubt some serious work was done to create this movie but it left me wanting more and I'm not sure why. Something about the whole package just didn't click for me. I don't know what it is but it was the same way I felt after watching A Nightmare Before Christmas. All the pieces are there but I couldn't give myself over fully to Coraline.

I can't imagine what it could be. This is an incredible fantasy with genuine thrills and scares and it's full of truly interesting ideas.

I agree completely and yet...the voices were a little grating. Plus I didn't like Coraline's face or her attitude very much. She wasn't a heroine I could identify with or really root for. Plus Wybie's haircut was pretty lame. I know it's nitpicky but...

Seriously, that's why you can't stand behind this film and recommend it heartily? Because you didn't like the plasticine hairdo of one of the main claymation characters?

Yes that's exactly what I'm saying. A bad hairdo can derail an otherwise Oscar-worthy film. That's why Raging Bull lost to Ordinary People. It was all Joe Pesci's hair's fault and he will never be forgiven.

Frightless Night

Another 70s horror film, another disappointment. This time the film is the non-classic Let's Scare Jessica to Death. This movie, about a woman who is either slowly going crazy or the only sane person in a town full of maniacal undead vampires, has mood in spades but little else.

Wha?!? Little else? Are you out of your mind? Jessica capitalized on the bizarre 70s feel you love so much and totally blew my mind. Look at that picture on the left. There she is, cruising the graveyard, not a care in the world. Is she mental, is she sane? Who cares? She's a ton of fun in the sun and I give it a 10.

I thought it started strong with a nice soft focus opening and some good shadowy scares but after that it grew increasingly ridiculous.

What you call ridiculous I call riveting. Name some things you found absurd.

How about the impromptu lute concert after dinner with the strange squatter they found in their house? Or the giant apple spraying machine that showered chemicals not only on the fruit trees but on anyone within 50 feet of the mechanical beast? I also thought that having Jessica's pet mole die from stab wounds was an odd touch. As was the dead child in the cello case. Shall I go on?

No need. You've proven my point. In what other film do you get such wonderfully bizarre scenes such as those? No such film exists. And the woman who played Jessica was astonishing. I truly thought she was on the edge of sanity with those facial tics, odd line readings and disaffected mannerisms.

She probably was a bit touched in real life. You can't fake that kind of crazy.

Maybe she didn't even know it was a movie. Maybe she thought she was being filmed as part of a documentary. That's why she was so emotional about that mole dying. The director is a genius! What else did he make?

Prancer.

The late 80s Christmas movie? Ugh. I take it all back.