I, Stoneface

The Good Shepherd is the definition of ho-hum. It’s one of those big Hollywood prestige pictures where everything seems so carefully planned out ahead of time and the producers are obviously hoping to be a serious Oscar contender. It's got a lot going for it but it seemed so hermetically sealed that I could only shrug at the end. The film is helmed by a well-known director (Robert DeNiro or Bobby as he’s asked me to call him), it’s lousy with capable actors (Matt Damon, John Turturro, Billy Crudup) and it’s really, really long yet it failed to wow me.

That’s because you are unwowable. This movie had it all – intrigue, espionage, double crossing, triple crossing, unjust murders, secret societies, sexy good times and the worst LSD trip I've seen in a long time. It was riveting from beginning to end and I give it a 9.

The beginning showed promise, I will give you that. I was sucked in by all the fun spy stuff like mysterious gifts and coded messages but soon enough I was bored. All the jumping back and forth between the 1940s and 1960s grew tiresome and the varying plotlines was purposefully confusing at times.

I knew you'd be too confused to enjoy it. Movies with more than 3 main characters addle your feeble brain. "Who's that guy?" "Why did they kill him?" "Why are they calling that food towel a napkin?" It was intricate and richly detailed and if you watched closely, you were rewarded with a masterful retelling of the messy beginnings of the CIA.

I guess I bailed once I realised that no one in this movie could be trusted. If all the characters in a story have underlying motives and are willing to stab each other in the back, the concern I have disappears. The rules of the game changed so suddenly and so often that all tension dissipated and I simply watched the dutiful drama play out with no vested interest. Plus, that Angelina Jolie is a terrible actress, eh? Granted, it was a pretty thankless role but she was no fun to watch. And why was Joe Pesci in this thing at all? Everyone was so well spoken and well dressed and then out of nowhere comes Pesci in his Miami garb and thick accent to bring a little Goodfellas to the proceedings. Who was he playing and how did the character fit into the story? I felt like I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and missed a vital plot point but I never actually left the room.

I didn't get that either but it seemed inconsequential to the rest of the story. The movie was overstuffed with plot and that was one scene that could have been trimmed if you were to cut this down to a movie that didn't require an intermission. One scene that I would leave in no matter what would be the one where the little boy pees on Santa. Nothing says the holidays like tears at a Christmas party and a wet lap for Old Saint Nick.