Spin The Wheel

No New Jerks

2010-01-27T23:18:00.003-05:00

Kill Your Idols is a bizarre documentary. The first half is dedicated to the famed No Wave period of downtown New York rock and roll, a scene and sound that flourished in the late 70s/early 80s. Highly influenced by the anarchic edges of the glam rock movement and the stripped down attitude of groups like Suicide, the bands associated with No Wave practiced a form of highly individualized and at times minimalist art bordering on performance art. None of the musical ensembles of this era lasted very long nor achieved any sort of national fame but for a certain segment of the musical populace their legacy is enormous. Watching bands like DNA, Mars and Teenage Jesus and the Jerks skronking it out in dingy clubs and deconstructing music was fascinating and leaves no question as to why commercial success was not in their future.

Nor was it anything these bands were hoping for. They were all creating "Art" and not simply angling for multi-record deals or opening slots on the upcoming John Cougar tour. So why did the second half of this documentary so awkwardly try to compare and contrast the No Wave era of anti-commercial exploration with the early 2000s Brooklyn boom of dancepunk bands like Liars, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Gogol Bordello? They have nothing to do with each other. The only possible link is Sonic Youth who bridge the gap between the two but don't fall squarely in either camp.

Yeah, it was a bit weird. What was the point of this movie? What inspired the filmmaker to compare bands that aimed to dismantle musical forms and barely made waves outside of their cloistered huddle in the 19070s to groups playing highly accessible modern disco in the new millennium garnering reams of press before they even put out proper albums?

Maybe he had some sort of grudge against these bands getting attention for nothing while the real artists who toiled in obscurity have disappeared in the dusty tomes of music history. Lydia Lunch, who is as self righteous and annoying as you'd imagine, certainly was happy to jump on these modern bands for not pushing the boundaries of music far enough. She, who was in a band featuring guitar, bass and drums during the No Wave period, goes on and on about how she's so bored with guitars, bass and drums and actually asks "where are the bands with tubas" with a straight face. I just had no idea what the point of this film was and as interesting as the clips and interviews were, I still give it a 2.

I was impressed by how fun Glenn Branca seemed and was relieved to see how open-minded Thurston and Lee were with regards to the young upstarts. Certainly, the 20 year old Karen O, still reeling from the whirlwind of attention she was swept up in, was not as thoughtful and coherent as the interviewees from the No Wave period, but then again she wasn't able to benefit from 20+ years of experience and reflection. On a scale of Arto Lindsay to the two meatheads from A.R.E. Weapons, I give this confused and confusing documentary an Aaron Hemphill.

None More Black

2010-01-26T23:04:00.002-05:00

Ee-gah! The Road is easily one of the grimmest, roughest moviegoing experiences I have ever had. I can only assume the same can be said for Mothra, who joined me a the local theatre for this gutwrenching tale of fatherly love in a post apocalyptic hellscape. Having read the stunning novel, I at least knew what I was getting into but it still didn't dull the impact of this dark, dark tale.

Horrific. Hopeless. Nauseating. Many negative words could be used to describe this film but you could just as easily call it masterful, inspiring and incredible. I was captivated from the first shot and left with my mind fully blown. It is certainly a tough slog but worth every second. As grim as it is, the small flicker of hope that burns throughout does survive to the end and saves it from simply being a repeated punch to the face like American History X or Requiem for a Dream. I give it a 10.

It's an absolutely amazing story and the movie does justice to Cormac McCarthy's poetic words. The film captures the very palpable sense of real evil in a world where the few surviving humans desperately struggle to simply exist and no one is able to be trusted. The bond between the father and son at the core of the tale and the undying love carrying them through is almost unbearable at times but provides a handle to hold onto in the grey storm raging all around them.

What I didn't get was how the book is so revered and a Pulitzer prize winner yet the movie seemed to disappear without a trace. Where were the movie critics singing its praises? Why wasn't it as lauded as the novel? Almost every movie suffers in comparison to the book but this film did such a terrific job transferring the emotions and power onto the screen that I'm surprised it wasn't a bigger hit, monetarily or critically.

I'm surprised too. The direction was great and the acting was fantastic, especially the super badass Viggo Mortensen. I just don't get it. Maybe it's because it's the ultimate anti-date movie. It's hard to hold hands when your cringing and watching the screen through your fingers.

Little Boys Will Be Little Boys

2010-01-25T23:05:00.002-05:00

Sports fanatics can be both the most inclusive and exclusive people in the world. Usually at the same time. "You like the Vikings too? Come in, brother." "Oh, you're a Packers fan? Why don't you go to hell you pus-filled corpse!" Big Fan shows how easy it is to live in a black and white paradise where decisions aren't based on reason or logic but simply on the colored face paint you choose. I can certainly see the appeal of denying the humanity of an entire section of a sports stadium with a well thought out chant but it's never been something I've been able to give myself over to. Patton Oswalt does a lovely job in this film of showing the disturbing end results such mindless sports fanaticism can lead to.

Yeah, but it's a bit too dependent on the dumb jock mentality cliche and the film's broad portrait of a never-ran who supplements his self worth with the highs and lows of his favorite team denies it the chance to be a truly effective movie. Big Fan is a bit too broad and too mean spirited to achieve the beautiful sadness and bruised humanity found in The Wrestler. This film seems to lump all sports fans into the overzealous doofus crowd and I wasn't buying it. As a sports fan myself (Go Red Sox!), I felt personally attacked by the movie so I couldn't love it. Even so, this film was incredibly funny at times and the acting was terrific, especially the always wonderfully creepy Kevin Corrigan, so I give it a 6.

Just because the movie highlights a few of the worst examples of insane sports goofballs doesn't mean that all sports fans are social rejects wallowing in homophobic, sexist, school boy banter with other like minded cretins. I would say it actually makes the opposite point, that there is a distinct appeal to the us vs. them mentality and one of the joys of watching sports is that you are able to create and despise enemies without the actual threat of warfare or attack. Big Fan points out that opposing fanatics are not actually opposites but are in fact exactly the same only with slightly skewed points of view. I don't think the intention of the movie was to hurt the feelings of people who love watching sports or to denigrate baseball freaks like you. I'm surprised you were so hurt by the film. I expected you to have thicker skin.

I knew you would say that, you candy-assed Yankees fan.

The Limits of the Viewer's Patience

2010-01-20T22:51:00.003-05:00

Jim Jarmusch never met an actionless scene he didn't like and his latest film, The Limits of Control is chock full of them. His movies are typically slow with lots of dead air and this is no exception. It's rare that I see a movie and have no clue what it was about but this time I was left completely stumped without even a guess as to the overall theme. Like Vincent Gallo's infamous film The Brown Bunny, this movie is comprised of long shots of a man on a silent, solo journey with brief interactions here and there peppering the otherwise dialogue free desert. Unlike that film, the ending of Control does not explain everything that came before it. In fact, it somehow makes the whole endeavor even more confounding.

I was confused when it started, perplexed as it continued and after a brief bout of sleepiness, I ended up bewildered and a bit angry. It certainly was beautiful to look at but what the hell was going on? It was 2 hours but felt like 23 so I give it a 3. Now will someone please explain it to me?

It was Jim Jarmusch's version of a David Lynch film. It had all the Lynchian hallmarks - internal dream logic, cryptic dialogue, repetitive imagery and a constant, creeping feeling of dread. Easily Jim Jarmusch's most difficult movie, I still found plenty to like in it. Gorgeous imagery, odd touches of humor, an amazing soundtrack heavily featuring Boris and an awesome and all too brief performance by Tilda Swinton. What was it all about? Was it a comment on the nature of reality? An exploration of the randomness of the universe? A Hitchcockian thriller with none of the thrills? Anyone?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Obsession

2010-01-11T23:10:00.002-05:00

Obsessives are great subjects for movies. They provide a single minded focus that cuts through all the nonsense and helps to provide a powerful driving force to the storyline. Today the wheel and I briefly discuss three films exploring the worlds of the compulsive, the obsessive and the slightly touched. First up, Fantastic Mr. Fox, an amazing film that's silly and exciting enough for both kids and adults. A Wes Anderson film in every aspect, full of insane detail and subtle brilliance, I was surprised by how much I liked it. It's at once faithful to the story and a wonderful jumping off point to a personal and totally original take on a beloved story. Mr. Fox is as obsessive as they come, pushing forward in the face of danger and going against all reason to satisfy the itch that can't be scratched. It's hilarious and touching and a kick to watch.

After the fluid masterpieces from Pixar, the stilted, herky jerky animation in this one made me wince. There's a place for nostalgia but there is no need to go old school when it comes to animation techniques. Why bother with stop motion silliness when you can have eye popping digital grandeur? Also, the dry humour was out of place and combined with the amateurish subpar Rankin-Bass puppets, I couldn't warm up to this one. I give it a 4.
When it comes to feats of derring-do, I much preferred Le Trou, an amazing prison escape movie in a world littered with them. The film follows a cell full of prisoners as they plan, plot and execute a painstakingly brilliant jailbreak. I give it a 7 for its slow burn suspense and all around Frenchiness.

I really enjoyed this one too. Who knew how much fun it could be to watch guys dig and dig and dig. Le Trou spares no expense in showing you the full detail of chiseling through concrete. If you like long, single shots of digging this movie is for you as there are several scenes where the camera fixes on guys digging and doesn't cut away. Just when you think they couldn't possibly show anymore digging they go and blow your mind with more digging. It's pretty insane. Aside from all that digging it is an awesome movie about trust, justice and ingenuity. And of course, digging.

Lastly, I want to recommend Z Channel - A Magnificent Obsession to anyone reading this. It's a documentary about the early days of cable movie channels and an L.A. based station called Z Channel run by a mad man named Jerry Harvey who briefly escaped his crippling depression by obsessing over movies. At first it seems like an overly reverent film filled with talking heads going on and on about how amazing Z Channel was. After a few minutes I felt I had made the wrong choice and shut it off. Bored one day, I decided to pick up where I had left off, 10 minutes in, to see if it got any better. Not seconds after starting it back up the narrator says "And that's when Jerry killed his wife and then turned the gun on himself." Now, I'm not a huge fan of suicide but I must say that my interest was piqued.

Unfortunately, it stalled again right there by tracing the history of the channel by interspersing hyperbolic hosannas from the likes of Jim Jarmusch and Robert Altman with the most boring movie clips ever dug out of the vaults. Italian movies, French movies, Romanian movies, all making no sense and far too arty for their own good. And say what you want about Quentin Tarantino's films but in conversation he is the most annoying man on the face of the planet. His whole manic way of talking with flailing arms and cool daddy-o hipster speak grates instantly and obscures anything he has to say. Shave your soul patch and shut up. I give the movie a 1 and if I could, I'd give Mr. Tarantino a punch in the face.

I have to disagree completely. This documentary celebrates the incredible and endless variety of movies in the world and the overwhelming wealth and breadth of cinema. For anyone touched by even the mildest bout of art obsession or fans of the hard to find and obscure, this movie will make you want to cancel your plans for a year and just sit watching films, basking in the glory and sitting slack jawed in awe at the beauty of it all. This is a movie that champions not those who create but those who share the creations of others and as someone who loves the mixtape and the best of list, I tip my hat to Jerry Harvey and his ilk for sharing their obsessions with the world.

It's Hard To Find a Friend

2010-01-10T22:03:00.003-05:00

It's tough enough to duke it out in middle school when you're simply dealing with the typical adolescent bullshit, I can't imagine the added difficulties Vampirism must bring about. The main boy in Let the Right One In is sensitive, poorly coiffed and ghostly pale so you know he's got it rough but he soon meets a girl who lives in his building who is having a rougher go of it. Not only is she home schooled but she also needs to have constant intakes of fresh blood to help stave off pimples and the dreaded odor of rotting flesh.

It kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it? Some complain about the horrible options for lunch at public schools while others wring their hands about the lack of funding for the chess team but when you see the trouble a 12 year old has in procuring new sources of the thick, red stuff, it kind of blows all those pedestrian dilemmas away. Too bad it wasn't more entertaining.

It was plenty entertaining. This movie got a lot right - the horrors of bullying, the silent awkwardness of post pubescence, the beauty of winter - but what I loved most about it was its adherence to some of the older traditions of vampire lore. At times, you'll think you're watching The Lost Boys with all the "invite me in" requests and freaky vampires climbing up walls and dropping on unsuspecting victims from high places. This is certainly a more meditative approach to the vampire story than Blade but I disagree completely that it was not entertaining.

You know me, I love Wesley Snipes. But even without his masculine presence, this movie lurched forward too slowly for me. Plus, all the genuinely agonizing emotions explored in the film kind of killed all the badassery going on. I give it a 5. It was bloody and gory and terrifying but also talky and moody and distant.

For me it struck just the right chord of pure enjoyment with deeper underlying themes. The actors were fantastic, the cinematography beautiful and the ending absolutely perfect. Check out this Swedish masterpiece soon before the English remake comes out later this year. Apparently, they plan to adhere close to the original but as Wikipedia puts it, some changes will be made to make it "accessible to a wider audience." Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills star in Let the Right One In, coming soon to a multiplex near you.

Great or Grating?

2010-01-04T19:34:00.003-05:00

The mysteries of Netflix continued last week as I prepared for night after long night of double features to work through all the instant viewing options that were set to disappear on January 1st. But then, on the third night when I had 6 movies left to watch, I discovered 4 of them had their expiration dates disappear as quickly as they had appeared and suddenly my plate was much less full and my week ended up being much less stressful.

Speaking of stress, here are two movies that plucked my nerves and made me grit my teeth in frustration. Both were half interesting and half infuriating. First up is Julie & Julia. I'm not surprised that the Meryl Streep half towered over the Amy Adams half but I was shocked by how much I fell in love with Julia Child and the overwhelming desire for violence that Julie Notalent inspired in me. Julia Child was a bizarre lady and a serious bad-ass who deserves all the praise and respect she earned over the course of her fascinating life and the segments of the movie focused on her were fun. The sections following Julie made me hate the present and long for the past. Nostalgia for "the good old days" and sighing over how the modern age is so lame compared to past are exercises that usually make me gag since, as much of a Luddite as I am in some ways, I love the modern world. Julie typified every cliche about self-obsessed bloggers, selfish twenty-somethings and navel gazing memoirists. In short, she made me ill as did her open-mouth chewing, boring as all get out husband and horrid circle of friends and acquaintances. Julia Child however, with her manly hands and bizarre voice, made me swoon.

Absolutely horrifying. It gets a 2. An example of the worst kind of fame piggybacking, sucking the soul from someone with talent and hoping for a whiff of the ability and grace they displayed. I loathe Julie and I hear that her recent memoir is all about how she felt empty inside after her nonsense book based on a blog came out, cheated on her husband and then wrote about that. I was so happy when Julia Child rebuffed her late in the film although the victory was short lived as it only made her pout when instead it should have made her re-evaluate her sham of a life. Gag me with a wire whisk.

The less said about Paper Heart the better. It wasn't really a disappointment since I didn't have high hopes for it but it was a long, tough slog of a viewing experience. I stopped watching Seinfeld reruns because I couldn't stand fully grown adults still dealing with their problems like neurotic little babies. Well, it's no fun watching younger people obsess over nonsense either. Charlyne Yi, the "star" of this film has given up on love and it's no wonder since even the most timid conversation makes her bury her head in her shirt like a turtle.

I felt sorry for her and actually warmed up to her by the end. It was obviously a bit of an act, highlighted by the glaringly fictional "true love" segments of the movie where she and Michael Cera start their awkward relationship. Her shyness was a put on and set the scene for this odd scripted documentary and once I got past the initial disorientation, I enjoyed her exploration of what love means to the man on the street and how a clumsy, jaded soul can somehow end up stepping into a big pile of it. I also loved the animated story sections of this film, especially the one with the motorcycles and 'splosions. I give it a 6.

Bleh. How can you be so venomous towards Julie & Julia and so forgiving towards this slop? The interviews were passable but even those were nearly ruined by her giggly, space cadet personality. Micheal Cera plays himself well but his likability is adversely affected by his proximity to her. The fictionalized scenes are painful to watch and I loathed the guy playing the director with every cell in my body. If her weirdness was a put on, it was as horrible an act as her stand up comedy. If it was in any way real, may the lord have pity on her soul.

Double Dystopia

2009-12-29T00:15:00.006-05:00

I love dystopian nightmare films. They've got everything I adore - retro visions of the future, desperate, doomed protagonists and a dim view of society. Tonight we revel in two horrific imaginings of the future past. First up, Escape From New York. This is a dark, dark movie full of dimly lit alleys, burned out buildings and sewer dwelling freaks. The premise couldn't be more awesome - It's the year 1997 (imagine that!) and the island of Manhattan has been a maximum security prison for 9 years. There are no guards or police inside the walls as they left the prisoners to their own devices and allowed them to create a society of their own. You know what that means - lots of burning car frames and tire iron fights.

That's enough plot for an entire movie but then John Carpenter turns up the heat by having Air Force One crash into the island so now the president is at the mercy of the degenerate criminals running free. Kurt Russell plays "Snake" Plisskin, a war veteran turned criminal assigned to save the president and (drumroll please) Escape! From New York!

Imagine if one of the gangs in The Warriors was made up of pirates and heads of state and you've got yourself Escape From New York. This movie is very much of its time and has 1981 stamped all over it from the cheesy effects to the giant phones to the wonderfully synthy John Carpenter soundtrack.

Unfortunately it doesn't kick as much ass as it should. The plot is great but the pacing is glacial. Ernest Borgnine is wonderful as a Molotov cocktail throwing cabbie and you can't help but love the chandeliers on the hood of Isaac Hayes' car but Kurt Russell growls rather than acts and overall it gets a 6.

The second film of the night was THX 1138, a movie as washed out and white as Escape From New York was murky and black. This dystopian nightmare follows three inhabitants of a fascistic futureworld where emotions are squashed thanks to platefuls of sedatives and genuine human interactions seem next to impossible. It is very creepy and unnerving, especially the robot policemen with silver faces. They wander around keeping the peace and utter canned phrases to manage the denizens of this citysized asylum. After the heroes lock themselves in a room to escape the dronebots, the metal cops plead "Please try the lock on your door, we can't get in" in emotionless, calm tones right before they cut the doorknob off.

It's hard to imagine this film coming from George Lucas. It's a difficult movie to watch and is full of artsy-Kubrickian touches that seem at odds with the intentions of a man who later created much derided cutesy creatures such as the Ewoks and Jar Jar Binks. This movie also shows a very singular point of view that is prickly and off-putting, not what you'd expect from the creator of one of the most popular fantasy series of all time. I was really impressed by the look of this film. It was beautifully shot and the special effects were amazing. It was made 11 years before Escape From New York but looked very modern where Escape looked like a badly produced home movie. Even though this was slow and somewhat depressing, it was a joy to watch and I give it a 7.

I was surprised in many ways by this movie but most of all, I was shocked how funny it was. Mostly, it was a very dark view of society and "progress" and the future but it had moments of black humor like the scene where nameless control room operators blithely fiddle with knobs, trying to figure out a machine while Robert Duvall writhes in pain as a result of their fumbling about. The vast gap between the excruciating torture they are putting him through and the indifference they show as they focus their concern not on his reactions but on exploring the different options of this pain machine perfectly sums up the way this film warns about valuing cold, robotic efficiency over warm humanism and struck me as really funny.

Yeah, it was a real cut up.

Them Bones

2009-12-28T23:43:00.003-05:00

Thanks to the mysteries of Netflix, it's double feature week. Occasionally, the movies available for instant streaming have an expiration date added to them for reasons I do not know. This week, 10 of the movies on our watch instantly list were stamped with a "Must Watch By 1/1/10" date so I've got my homework cut out for me.

We started it off with Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. A gorgeous, gorgeous movie that was pretty meh when it comes to the storyline. It's your typical arranged marriage gone wrong film with a twist. Somehow, the protagonist of this movie ends up accidentally getting hitched to a dead girl. Let the hijinx begin.

Boo. Hiss. A rotting, bloated cadaver of a film. The plot was ludicrous, the voodoo jazz band atrocious and the songs were...what is the opposite of catchy?

As in The Nightmare Before Christmas, the songs are subpar and not the kind of toe tappers that will have you leaving the theater humming the tunes but the visuals in the movie are so stunning I was able to forgive the lame soundtrack and boring plot.

I found myself yawning and checking the clock far too much to say I even semi-enjoyed the film. It gets a 2. The beautiful animation was certainly a plus but the hideous, big lipped Peter Lorre worm knocked off 3 full points all by itself. It tried too hard to be goth and odd when it should have focused more on being clever and interesting.

Next up was New York Doll, a film as different from Corpse Bride as possible. It's a documentary about the legendary Arthur "Killer" Kane, the bass player for the short lived but highly influential New York Dolls. The story is absolutely fascinating and is a perfect example of how truth is often much, much stranger than fiction. Arthur spent the 25+ years since the band's dissolution chasing fame but never achieving it at the same level ever again. He got his taste of the spotlight and the rock and roll world and always wanted to get back into it, even after joining the LDS Church and devoting himself to their teachings.

And once again, Morrissey comes to the rescue. In 2004 he curated a music festival in London and asked the three remaining Dolls to reunite for the show. New York Doll documents the weeks leading up to the big show. You can't help fall in love with Arthur Kane in this film whether he's bragging to the ladies at the Mormon Family Library about how his bass playing laid the foundation for the raucous rock of the Dolls or briefing David "Buster Poindexter" Johansen on the tenets of the Mormon lifestyle. His childlike joy at the prospect of getting the band back together is impossible to deny and what at first seems like just an interesting documentary becomes a poignant love story of a man and music. I give it a 9.

It's somehow both heartwarming and heartbreaking. An unexpected joy and one of the more unique documentaries I've seen in awhile. It has specific appeal for Dolls fans but transcends simple music biography to become an artful homage to a rock maniac and a gentle soul.

Wheel-less on Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T22:23:00.003-05:00

The wheel has the night off tonight, last minute shopping at the liquor store I think I heard him say, so I'm home watching the always magnificent It's a Wonderful Life. It's something I only experience once a year but it's always lovely even though at times it's damn depressing. The performances in it are so incredible and I'm forever in awe of Jimmy Stewart's effortless brilliance and oversized charisma. The way he shapes certain lines with that infamous voice of his is simply awesome. He carries the film ably on his long, lanky frame and blows me away every time.

Each year I seem to react to the film in the exact same way. I ooh and awe at the Charleston dance scene over the opening pool, I swoon as he and Donna Reed court each other by the Hydrangea bushes, I hiss at Potter and am deeply crushed when the money goes missing and I am eternally confused by the basics of the banking business and the scene where George saves the Building & Loan. But this year, I finally realised the terrible emotional roller coaster this movie is and the horrible way George Bailey and his wife consistently have their dreams snatched away just as they are about the realise them. It's excruciating to watch and reminded me of one of the greatest movies I saw this year - Up.

Up landed atop many critics' year end lists and for good reason. It is another in a long line of insanely creative Pixar films but one of the things I loved most about it was the left turn it took halfway through. What started as a poignant love story ends up as a loony adventure tale that somehow never loses its heart.

One of the most talked about sequences of 2009 is right near the beginning of Up as you watch the journey of two lives unfold wordlessly over the course of 10 minutes. It's absolute perfection and full of the ebullient joys and crushing lows of life and can make a person tear up just to think about. What I found most affecting about the sequence was the way the couple keeps having their dreams thwarted and their savings used for broken down cars or other curve balls life throws at them instead of exotic trips or vacation cruises. It's the tough reality that most people face, eking out a living while rarely getting a chance to explore all the grand schemes and insane plans they wish they could.

It's a Wonderful Life is a full length feature based on this premise and it's one of the main reasons it works so well. I somehow never noticed this before but the push and pull between dreams and reality is what makes it so affecting. Sometimes people are able to capitalize on life's possibilities and end up stumbling around the jungle with a boy scout and talking dog and other times the adventures one has are much more close to home.

Whatever Happened to Babe Insane?

2009-12-22T22:22:00.002-05:00

When you watch a Joan Crawford movie, you know you're in for histrionics and scenery chewing and Strait-Jacket has them in spades. Joan screeches, swaggers and swings her way through this cannonball of a film as only she can. Playing a woman emerging from an insane asylum 20 years after decapitating her second husband, she alternates between meek and ashamed and boozy and blowsy with reckless abandon.

Joan Crawford is a woman possessed by a self assurance of the highest order. You can see it in the way she carries herself in every scene, acting like she owns the film and is the sexiest movie star ever to grace the silver screen. She's ferocious and hungry for blood and has the best grimace I think I've ever seen. A truly horrifying actress playing a truly horrifying person in a very bizarre film.

It was directed and produced by William Castle, the man behind "The Tingler" and other gimmicky movies of the 50s and 60s, and it shows his flair for grabbing the audience's attention from the very beginning. It starts with blood curdling screams and quickly follows that up with infidelity, a grisly murder and strait-jacket mayhem. From there, it flashes forward 20 years as Joan attempts to re-enter proper society, moving in with her daughter, brother and sister-in-law. Everywhere she looks there are reminders of her past crime - chickens being decapitated, pigs being fattened for slaughter, numerous busts in her daughter's art studio. And the blades! Knives and axes litter the farm, tempting her at every turn. It was campy and stupid but utterly watchable all the way through to the Scooby-Doo ending where everything is nicely explained to the audience.

I like those explanations. So many modern movies leave it up to the audience to figure out what is going on and what the motives are with Strait-Jacket there was no thinking required. It's nice to sit back and have it all laid out on a platter and for that I give it an 8. Plus, it was filled with so many memorable scenes. Joan coming on to her daughter's increasingly uncomfortable beau to the point that she started fondling his lips. The grisly (by 1961 standards) beheading in the slaughterhouse. And my favorite scene of all of 2009 - Joan Crawford defiantly lighting a match by striking it on a spinning record causing it to screech to a halt as she lights her cigarette. Movie magic.

I Don't Believe You (He Acts Like We Have Never Met)

2009-12-21T22:40:00.002-05:00

I typically know something about the movies I watch. Sometimes it's a film based on a book I've read so there are few surprises and other times I've simply read the brief synopsis provided by Netflix and I at least have a small idea of what I'm getting myself into. With He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not I had no clue what to expect and it was all the better for it. It was a lazy night, Hott Mama suggested a sweet, little Audrey Tatou vehicle and I half heartedly said "sure" before we launched the instant viewing screen and ended up with a completely unexpected experience. The less said about it the better but I highly recommend it for anyone turned off by cookie cutter romance films.

I give it a 3. Thwarted expectations can be satisfying but not when you're hoping for another Amelie. Where were the fantastical flights of fancy? Where was the magic? Where was the crushing love and celebration of all that is good and pure in the world? When I'm promised a manic pixie dream girl movie I expect a payoff, dammit!

I thought there was an amazing payoff in this movie. We both almost turned it off after 20 minutes or so but it was right around that part the movie became supremely interesting. This is one of those movies that takes a clever premise and really capitalizes on it, similar to the way Memento did. I can't recommend it enough for anyone looking for a fun, unique film but trust me, go into it blind.

I couldn't disagree with you more. I think we should tell anyone reading this the full plot so they can save themselves a wasted hour and a half and get on with their lives. Don't get your hopes up as I did, you'll only be guaranteed a severe disappointment. I fell asleep during part of it and when I awoke, I swear it was still the same scene. If you're looking for a unique viewing experience, try watching Amelie without the subtitles but do not bother with this nonsense.

Liverpool Is For Lovers

2009-12-07T18:47:00.003-05:00

There’s some serious Beatlemania happening in our house right now. Dorian goes to sleep most nights by singing Beatles songs to himself at top volume only to wake up the next morning to sing some more. Sebastian has been cataloguing his favorite songs in list after list and has recently been working on an adventure story involving George Harrison titled "With a Little Help From My Friends." In addition to this, there are countless games of Beatles Rock Band, Let’s Pretend We’re the Beatles and the ever-popular Guess Which Beatles Song I’m Humming going on daily. The kids are junkies for the Loverly Lads from Liverpool and I can’t blame them, they are fantastic. This recent addiction has allowed me to re-evaluate their colossal awesomeness and I find myself stunned by their sustained creative output over such a short period of time.

We are not only celebrating the Beatles music but every aspect of the culture they created. We recently found a cheap paperback comic book history of the Beatles at the Montague Book Mill which features a lovely drawing of the Ku Klux Klan protesting John’s “Bigger than Jesus” comment and Sebastian asked if he could get a mop top haircut the other day. As you can see, we’ve gone completely bonkers and nothing we do can satiate the hunger. In an attempt to satisfy these junkies, we’ve been plowing through the Beatles movies and I’ve been amazed at just how different they all are. Yellow Submarine is an old favorite in the house and may be the first movie Sebastian ever watched in full. The psychedelic imagery and candy colored drawings really seem to appeal to infants. I covered Help! in a previous entry so that brings us to the last two official Beatles films which couldn’t be more opposite.

A Hard Day’s Night is a bonafide classic with gorgeous black and white photography and an energetic storyline capturing the kinetic energy of the band’s early stardom. Everywhere they go a near riot breaks out as young girls scream and cry and push each other to the ground in a desperate attempt to catch a glimpse of the nattily dressed lads. I love this film because it captures the Beatles at their sardonic best, snidely poking holes in the notions of celebrity, authority and propriety. After seeing this again I can see why they seemed like such a threat at the time. They look so squeaky clean in retrospect but their wonderful lack of respect for the old ways must have been quite a shock at the time.

First Elvis with his lascivious hips and then these long haired freaks with their lewd love songs and flippant remarks – no wonder the kids went crazy while the parents wrung their hands. This movie is incredible from the absurd hijinks to the stellar songs. Plus, it’s hilarious. John and Ringo are especially funny but top prize goes to the Paul’s cranky grandfather who has a wild anti-authoritarian streak of his own and is one of the toughest bastards in film history. I give this a 9.

Upon rewatching this masterpiece, I was struck by how you could already see the band fighting against the fame rigmarole and the constrictions of the road. I was also amazed by the harrowing scene where the grandfather tells Ringo to stop reading books and to get out there and live. Amidst all of the nonsense, there’s some prescient foreshadowing of the band’s career and some serious truth tucked into the proceedings.

On the flipside is the bizarre mindmelt called Magical Mystery Tour. It is angrier than Hard Day’s Night, sillier than Help! and more of a psychedelic nightmare than Yellow Submarine. It also nearly unwatchable. About 18 minutes into it, Dorian (Super Beatle Fan #2) asked “when will this be done?” Exactly.

I was hoping for a wonderful journey through the British country side and instead ended up with an incoherent waste of time and space. It's hard to imagine such junk coming from these unbelievably talented and creative people and if I didn't know better I would think they made this in an effort to kill off their fan base. Absolutely atrocious. It gets a 2.

Apparently Ringo directed this so I will put the blame squarely on him. As much as I love Ringo, this was one baby that should have been thrown out with the bathwater. The songs are incredible and I think this is their most underrated album but the jumbled mess of a movie does not do them justice. Another thing not helping it was the DVD copy we watched. Apparently digitally dubbed from a time worn 8th generation VHS copy, it looked horrible. All the colors were washed out and the film looked ready to come apart at the seams at any moment. With any other film I would have been outraged but with this piece of junk it was just par for the course.

I, Stoneface

2009-12-04T22:32:00.003-05:00

The Good Shepherd is the definition of ho-hum. It’s one of those big Hollywood prestige pictures where everything seems so carefully planned out ahead of time and the producers are obviously hoping to be a serious Oscar contender. It's got a lot going for it but it seemed so hermetically sealed that I could only shrug at the end. The film is helmed by a well-known director (Robert DeNiro or Bobby as he’s asked me to call him), it’s lousy with capable actors (Matt Damon, John Turturro, Billy Crudup) and it’s really, really long yet it failed to wow me.

That’s because you are unwowable. This movie had it all – intrigue, espionage, double crossing, triple crossing, unjust murders, secret societies, sexy good times and the worst LSD trip I've seen in a long time. It was riveting from beginning to end and I give it a 9.

The beginning showed promise, I will give you that. I was sucked in by all the fun spy stuff like mysterious gifts and coded messages but soon enough I was bored. All the jumping back and forth between the 1940s and 1960s grew tiresome and the varying plotlines was purposefully confusing at times.

I knew you'd be too confused to enjoy it. Movies with more than 3 main characters addle your feeble brain. "Who's that guy?" "Why did they kill him?" "Why are they calling that food towel a napkin?" It was intricate and richly detailed and if you watched closely, you were rewarded with a masterful retelling of the messy beginnings of the CIA.

I guess I bailed once I realised that no one in this movie could be trusted. If all the characters in a story have underlying motives and are willing to stab each other in the back, the concern I have disappears. The rules of the game changed so suddenly and so often that all tension dissipated and I simply watched the dutiful drama play out with no vested interest. Plus, that Angelina Jolie is a terrible actress, eh? Granted, it was a pretty thankless role but she was no fun to watch. And why was Joe Pesci in this thing at all? Everyone was so well spoken and well dressed and then out of nowhere comes Pesci in his Miami garb and thick accent to bring a little Goodfellas to the proceedings. Who was he playing and how did the character fit into the story? I felt like I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and missed a vital plot point but I never actually left the room.

I didn't get that either but it seemed inconsequential to the rest of the story. The movie was overstuffed with plot and that was one scene that could have been trimmed if you were to cut this down to a movie that didn't require an intermission. One scene that I would leave in no matter what would be the one where the little boy pees on Santa. Nothing says the holidays like tears at a Christmas party and a wet lap for Old Saint Nick.

Werner Herzog Overdrive

2009-12-02T18:56:00.005-05:00

I came to Werner Herzog a bit backwards. I knew a little about him and his films in a vague sort of way but had never seen anything he had done until I watched Grizzly Man. The story about a manic, passionate and slightly crazy man who lives with bears in Alaska only to end up being mauled to death by one captivated me as did Herzog’s hypnotic narration. Soon after, I checked out My Best Fiend, the incredible documentary about Herzog’s insane relationship with renowned madman Klaus Kinski. I decided then and there to watch all of his films since these two were so brilliant but somehow I still have not gone back through his catalogue to watch classics like Aguirre, Wrath of God or Fitzcarraldo. Instead I’ve been watching his recent works with the intention of eventually making my way back through time. In the past few months I’ve seen three more of his documentaries and one film and they were all fascinating glimpses into the limits of human will and the bizarre ways in which man and nature interact.

What I like about Werner Herzog is that he seems interested in just about everything on the planet and finds most of things that go on here strange and worthy of closer inspection. His semi-detached, clinical viewpoint of human behavior and rituals allows for a unique examination of his subjects whether he’s filming a documentary or a feature film.

He also does away with the idea of an impartial observer by adding his own thoughts and ideas about the subjects he’s presenting. There is no façade of objectiveness. He is a biased participant in the proceedings and his films are all the better for it since his philosophies and thoughts are so unique and contribute so vitally to the strength of his work. One of my favorite parts in the stellar Encounters at the End of the World is when he first arrives at the Antarctic town housing the subjects of his film and in the middle of his typically laconic narration he bitterly rants about how shocked and disgusted he was by the noise and ugliness he found there. It makes the film so much more personal and more like an essay instead of a piece of even-handed journalism.

This documentary blew me away. I give it a 10 for overall awesomeness. It is a magical film filled with amazing scenes and wonderful weirdness such as snow blindness practice, creaking ice making glorious sounds, underwater beauty, mysterious animals and the odd discovery of an underground shrine to a frozen fish.

It's a lovely examination of the question "Who are the people who end of at the bottom of the world and why do they go there?" Humans are so weird and few are as odd as the subject of The White Diamond, Herzog’s documentary about a man obsessed with flying a man made balloon over the rainforest. It’s almost impossible to describe this film but it’s basically about the single minded desire to achieve goals and fulfill dreams no matter how unrealistic or seemingly fated for failure.

I give this an 8. It was a little more scattered than End of the World and I didn’t care for the subject matter as much but there are still scenes from it that will be burned in my brain forever like the glass of champagne floating over the waterfall and the balloon man's assistant waxing poetic about his beloved chicken, Red.

Another amazing document about the extreme limits of devotion and passion is The Wheel of Time, Herzog’s account of the Buddhist pilgrimage to Bhod Gaya. I know very little about Buddhist tenets or rituals so it was interesting to see the creation of the sand mandala, the scores of votive candles, the prayer ceremonies and the various monks arguing about the nature of reality. It was also fun to see the Dalai Lama answering Herzog’s questions. He seems like a scrappy guy with a good sense of humor and not as imposing or austere as someone in his position might be. At one point he basically gives credence to the notion of thinking of yourself as the center of the universe and is able to make it seem like it’s not simply a self-centered belief but a reasonable way of living.

This was the only one of Herzog’s films where I didn’t completely feel his stamp of authorship. In a way, this documentary could have been made by anyone as it is more straightforward than the rest. It is beautifully shot and fascinating to watch but there was less of his personality in it. Also, the subject matter didn’t touch me as personally as the rest so I give it a 5.

I don’t think I could commit myself so fully to anything and I definitely don’t have it in me to walk in prostration for 3,000 miles like one of the monks did. To hear it took him 3 ½ years to get to Bhod Gaya, in the processing forming nodes on his bones and developing an open wound on his forehead from where he touched the ground millions of times, stunned me into silence.

The sight of Christian Bale eating live maggots in Rescue Dawn nearly stunned me into vomiting. That man has a devotion to his craft rarely met by other actors. After seeing him waste away in The Machinist and then eat such grossness in this movie, I fear for his sanity.

He’s a perfect actor for Herzog – totally committed and a tad insane. Even though Rescue Dawn was a feature film (based on Herzog’s previous documentary Little Dieter Needs to Fly) it still explores many of the same themes as the other three films mentioned above. It didn’t affect me as deeply as the documentaries (it was kind of a standard prison break film) but was entertaining nonetheless.

Standard? There was nothing standard about this. It was gritty and dirty and captured a unique story from the overplundered Vietnam War storybook. Plus, who knew Steve Zahn was such a badass? I give it a 9 because it was well shot, well acted and made me proud to be an American. Plus, Christian Bale ate maggots. U! S! A! U! S! A!

The Fantastic Mr. Miyazaki

2009-11-29T20:11:00.003-05:00

When I first saw the title Ponyo in theater ads, I thought it was a completely different film. I imagined it as some sort of overly serious allegorical film, a sequel to Equus perhaps. In reality, it is the latest masterpiece from Hayao Miyazaki, one of the most consistently awesome movie makers in the world. In short, it's a fantastical retelling of the Little Mermaid story but, as with everything he touches, it is miles away from the simple, safe and sorry state of Disney films. Miyazaki's films are bizarre and wondrous full of strange creatures and weird storylines. They are children's movies but they have a real sense of danger and evil and all the ugly things usually scrubbed from kids entertainment.

If you've seen the previews for Disney's upcoming Frog Princess garbage and feel like you're going to vomit, Ponyo would be the salve to soothe your troubled soul. There is no pandering to the audience and there is nothing annoyingly "in-your-face" about them. Ponyo is funny and sweet and scary and sad and an overall enjoyable film. I didn't love it as much as some of his other movies but it still gets a 7.

I think it was my favorite of his since I saw Spirited Away. One thing about all his movies is that they all grab your attention in the first few minutes and don't have a boring moment in them. Spirited Away had one of the most original and engaging openings of any film I've ever seen and Ponyo nearly matches it with scenes of an underwater world on a par with Terry Gilliam's fantasy creations. The viewer is simply thrown in the middle of the story's universe and it's up to you to figure what is going on.

That's true. I felt the same way with Howl's Moving Castle, which I consider his masterpiece and give a 10. As the movie opens, a mystery man floats down from the sky and is being followed by strange, blob like creatures in top hats an suit coats. Soon we are introduced to the moving castle which walks around on mechanical legs and has a magical door which opens up to various lands. We also meet Howl, a shape shifting young man who has a talking fireplace and a tendency to liquify.

There's always something oozing or sliming or liquifying in Miyazaki's film. There's probably some greater significance to it all but even without that knowledge, it's just plain fun to watch. Howl's Moving Castle filled me with a deep sense of dread and unease. These movies are often found in the kids section of video stores but they explore some pretty heavy themes. Even something as seemingly innocent as My Neighbor Totoro mines the fears and sadness experienced by children when they move to a new place and have a parent in the hospital.

Dead or sick parents are a staple of Disney films but rarely is there any genuine emotion in the handling of the issue but in Totoro, I nearly wept towards the end when one of the little girls goes searching for the faraway hospital in hopes of finding her sick mother. This film is not quite as affecting or amazing as Howl but it is still full of joy and wonder, two hallmarks of Miyazaki's incredible movies. I give it a 7.

It does feel a bit slight, which may have to do with the giant, cuddly kitty cats, but it is still a wonderful film. These movies all transport you to a different place full of fascination and beautiful oddities. They are modern day fairy tales filtered through an insanely creative mind. John Lasseter of Pixar has stated in the past that all Miyazaki films are worth seeing and I would have to agree. I have yet to find one that didn't leave me stunned by the animation, amazed by the story and overjoyed by the journey.

Horror Done Right, Horror Done Wrong

2009-11-25T20:27:00.004-05:00

Hott Mama already covered this topic in her recent post but I wanted to comment on it too. I'm always searching for a horror movie that will really affect me, one that will creep under my skin and have me watching the screen through my fingers, but rarely do they succeed. I tend to gravitate more towards psychological horror rather than gore as it usually seems more possible to me. There is a much better chance that I will find myself terrorized my masked intruders as in The Strangers than there is a possibility that I will have to make the kind of absurd, limb-removing choices found in the Saw franchise. And one thing that's scary no matter what are creepy masks like the one in the picture over there. Instant horror.

You just can't shut up about the masks. I just don't get it. Certainly, a masked intruder is a frightening idea but it's more the intrusion part that's the problem. A child in a mask is not inherently scary. Are you unable to leave your house on Halloween? Do you cut the lights, draw the blinds and hide under your covers?

No, I just suck it up and plunge into the darkness. Kids is Batman masks aren't the problem, it's creepy kids in badly sewn masks (that might actually be made out of human flesh) that scare me. The Orphanage is a wonderful horror movie that capitalizes on masks and other naturally terrifying topics like giant mansions, invisible children and bug eyed old ladies. It has style for miles and spooked the hell out of me. As Hott Mama said, she screamed out loud during the movie and that's always a sign of a good horror film. And not just a little scream - she belted it out.

I just didn't buy the whole spirits of dead kids plot line and was annoyed by the ending. To me it seemed implausible and far fetched and that killed my enjoyment. Plus it was in Spanish and you know how I hate to read so it gets a 4 for annoying me with its subtitles.

How cultured you are. I think when you say the subtitles annoyed you, you mean the subtleties. This movie was equally compelling as a drama and genuinely affecting with its emotional heft. You were probably hoping for more monsters and gore.

Exactly. Bring on the rivers of blood!

If you like horror movies that hit you over the head endlessly with their attempts at terror, you probably loved Paranormal Activity.

I did. I give it a 9 for its relentless scenes of unseen beasts wreaking havoc on the life of two beleaguered cutie pies.

I was actually kind of bored with the film. Horror depends on the element of surprise, or at least mystery, to be truly effective and this movie killed all sense of the unexpected. It was too bad too because I like the premise and I love movies that pretend to use found footage like The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield but where those movies kept an element of surprise throughout, this one started out well but quickly fell into a sad routine. Every time they cut to the night vision camera you knew it was inevitable that something evil was about to happen so what was once novel became rote and lost any element of terror. When the scares are so easily telegraphed there is no possibility for screaming.

You've got it all wrong. The scares kept piling up on top of each, getting more and more menacing until I feared for their sanity as well as their lives. You have to give yourself over to the movie and imagine you're in their situation, helpless at the hands of some unseen demon.

The more you learn about the backstory, the more absurd it all seemed. And what was with the game of brinksmanship the demon was playing? Either kill or possess these people or get out. I highly doubt that any respectable demon would start by simply creaking doors open and closed or knocking on a wall. Also, the whole photograph in the attic part was superlame and not at all scary. How does an invisible entity carry around a physical picture for 15 years and why?

You can't ask those kind of questions about a horror movie. You have to just go along with the ride and suspend your disbelief.

The gaping plot holes and long stretches of nothing happening gave me plenty of time to examine all the absurdities in this movie and wonder once again how the American public was duped into pouring millions of dollars into such a lackluster film. The scariest thing about this movie was the nausea its wildly swinging handheld action caused in my date. The possibility of a lap full of vomit was scarier than anything in Paranormal Activity.

The Road to Hell is Paved With Old Acquaintances

2009-11-20T23:13:00.002-05:00

My decision to see Away We Go was a little like that Taxi episode where Latka is stuck in a cab with another woman during a snowstorm or something and he has to decide between freezing to death or cheating on Simka with this stranger to stay warm. He labors over the decision as neither is a desirable option and he vasciallates forever over what to do. While the decision to see this movie was not a life or death situation it was a difficult choice. On one hand you've got Maya Rudolph who I completely adore and who elevates everything she's in. On the other hand you've got John Krasinski, a bland meatball whose self-satisfied demeanor on The Office is annoying at best.

He's a mental goon who has blackmailed his way into Hollywood. What is most upsetting about him is that he doesn't seem to be acting on The Office, I think he's actually that dull and smug in real life. Maybe he doesn't even know he's on a teevee show. Maybe he really believes he's part of a six year documentary on the most dysfunctional office in America.

I doubt that but I find him more repellent than appealing and wasn't looking forward to another hour and a half with the guy. Shockingly, he won me over in the first few seconds of the movie. His affectless acting and genuine sincerity were a refreshing change from the heinous Jim character and his talk about wanting to teach his child how to whiddle was endearing. Maya Rudolph as well was effortlessly naturalistic but sorely underused. The first third of this film was pretty entertaining but then it entered a tailspin from which it never recovered.

And the explosion as it hit the ground was glorious. The premise is laid out well and is intriguing - a pregnant couple visit old friends in various North American locations to decide where they want to live and raise their kid - but they completely loused it up with a neverending string of cliches and impossible-to-like characters. Nobody, from the parents to the sister to the old college chums, seemed in the least bit believable. I had heard tales of how over the top and horrible Maggie Gyllenhaal was in this film but everyone they met was just as cretinous. I kept wanting them to wake up and realise what jerks these people all were and decide to move to a town where they didn't know anybody so they could remove themselves from the chuckleheads of their past.

The movie went from enjoyable to tolerable to unbearable in three acts. First time parents and people in the midst of a move are under enough stress without having to suffer as many fools as these two did.

Director Sam Mendes finally stopped the torture with a treacly ending that did nothing to recapture any of my good will. A horrible, horrible movie that will turn you off children, rekindling old friendships and traveling. I give it a 1 and two thumbs down. If you've always wanted to build and move into that bomb shelter you've been planning for years, this is the film for you.

Frankie Paycheck and the Contractual Obligations

2009-11-19T20:04:00.003-05:00

The Pixies mean a lot to me. Their album Doolittle knocked me off my axis and led me to a new world of music listening. Black Francis' otherworldly howl blew me away and resulted in a years long obsession with screaming in songs. They are still one of my favorite bands of all time yet I eyed their 2004 reunion with suspicion and disinterest. Like Freaks and Geeks or Arrested Development, the Pixies never wore out their welcome and ended before they lost the plot so what was the point of the tour? They ended on a pretty acrimonious note and both Frank Black and Kim Deal had continued to make music at varying levels of popularity so were they getting together simply for the money? Since their legacy only grew over the decade since their split, they were certainly due a victory lap but I had no interest in being a part of it. The 2006 documentary loudQUIETloud does a good job of validating my uneasiness over the whole reunion and subsequent tour. At times, it was a pretty uncomfortable film to watch.

Because you hate rock n roll?

No, that was not the issue.

Because you hate success?

Um...no. What kind of jerk do you think I am?

The Pixie hating kind. This documentary was the next best thing to being there and I give it an 8. Not only did you get to see fiery performances by a group of phenomenal musicians who haven't lost an ounce of passion but you get to see them as people, kissing their children, putting on eyeliner, practicing magic tricks.

You didn't find that stuff at all depressing? Watching Kim Deal chain smoking and drinking non-alcoholic beer while her sister travels alongside her to make sure she stays clean and sober. Watching Frank Black suffer through endless inane interviews and looking totally bored to be back on tour with these people. Watching David Lovering do anything at all.

He was hilarious with his magic tricks and his hyperactiveness and his lying. What about his weird obsession with his new iPod? That was one of the most bizarre and amazing scenes I've watched all year.

It hurt my soul. He was so desperate to get back together with the band and he was hurting for money so bad at the start of the movie yet he was so annoying on tour and lapsed into some pretty bad habits, nearly derailing the whole thing. He totally creeped me out. And it was so odd how little they seemed to know or care about each other. There was no camaraderie and no friendship. It was all so workmanlike and seemingly paycheck driven that I left the movie feeling very, very sad. It makes me even more perplexed that they are out there touring again playing Doolittle in its entirety every single night. If they are finally getting their due after years of semi-obscurity and relative pennilessness, good for them, but I just couldn't care less about it all.

That's because you hate rock n roll. When the 4 Non Blondes reunion happens, I'll be sure to let you know.

More Pig Toupees Than You Can Shake a Stick At

2009-11-17T22:20:00.003-05:00

Babe: Pig in the City is without a doubt one of the strangest films I have ever seen. It's only tangentially related to the eponymously titled Babe from three years prior and is light years more bizarre. Where the first film was a wholesome "underdog turns hero" romp performed by a futuristic breed of Julliard-trained animal actors (or animactors) this "sequel" is like the fever dream experienced by Farmer Hoggett after eating too much fungus-laden cornmeal. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it but I just didn't quite know what to make of it.

That's because you're a Philistine and a nincompoop. Babe: Pig in the City is as flawless a film as has ever blessed the world. Babe (Original Version) was a lovely, but somewhat-boring, morality tale that played it safe at every turn while this revelation improves on the first in almost every way. It nearly explodes at the seams with absurdity creating a real live cartoon using animation-quality humans and talking animals in hairpieces. There are laughs galore as well as edge-of-your-seat action sequences that will leave you breathless. There are hilarious scenes of mice singing silly songs that are sure to please the kids (and the more erudite adults in the audience) alongside world class puns, e.g. the monkey's name is Thelonious! And let's not forget the chills and spills. And thrills. This film makes bungee jumping cool again and you'll be amazed at the way it toys with your emotions. I for one was agog at how deftly the director made me empathize with a dog I had only moments before hoped would die in some sort of horrible flame-filled death.

Yeah, that scene was a bit much, not only for the children viewing the movie but the elders as well. Watching that poor dog nearly drown was excruciating and I'm not even much of a dog person.

Well, he got what was coming to him but you're right, it was agonizing. My chants of "Die, doggy, die!" were quickly muffled by my blubbering as I bit my pillow and hoped against hope that the little guy would live.

It seemed to go on way too long, almost torturing the audience as we waited for Babe to do the right thing and save the cretinous soul from a watery death. Actually, many of the scenes in this film overextended their welcome. For the most part it was enjoyable but it also left me feeling spent.

Exactly - you're left with that unmistakable happy-sad feeling. I felt the way I imagine a hiker would feel when they finally reached the pinnacle of Mt. Everest after years of training. Once all your dreams are fulfilled, you have to learn to balance that joy with the realisation that you are now an empty shell looking for a home.

You've lost me completely. I can't say I agree with your reaction to the movie but I did like a lot of it. It was inventive and odd and full of strange little touches like the way the skyline in the city was an amalgamation of several famous cityscapes and the way it seemed to exist out of time with references to the late 18th century, the 1930s and the future all at once. It was certainly an unexpected pleasure with the emphasis on unexpected.

As memorable a film as you'll see in a lifetime. A perfect 10. A hidden gem to be treasured forever.

Here are three fun facts about the film courtesy of Wikipedia.
1. George Miller, who made Mad Max, also directed this. Both movies feature dystopian hellscapes where law has no sway.
2. It, like its predecessor Babe, was banned in Malaysia. For what reason I do not know.
3. Babe: Pig in the City was also Gene Siskel's choice for Best Movie of 1998.

Ahh, Mr. Siskel. A gentleman and a scholar. As Billy Joel once said, "Only the good die young."

There's Nothing Like a Forced Confession

2009-11-16T21:06:00.003-05:00

It's been a week and a half since I last posted and the movies just keep piling up. I realise now that I am watching movies at a much quicker pace than I am writing about them and certain films have fallen behind and will be left in the dust. There are some I viewed months ago and couldn't write about now if I wanted to (which I don't) because I can't remember a goddamn thing about any of them. The Thin Man? Claire's Knee? Waterlillies? Did I actually watch something called Spring Breakdown? To correct this laziness I am challenging myself to write a review every day this week so let's rock. But before I get started, I just want to comment on how lame James Cameron's new movie, Avatar, looks. Now I know I've only seen the preview but is this what people have been hotly anticipating forever? This is the movie that he had to wait 20 years to make so that technology could catch up to his vision? This is his follow up to the equally flummoxing Titanic?

It looks like Aliens meets Ferngully meets The Dragonriders of Pern. Super lame.

So on to better things. Let's discuss There Will Be Blood. I saw this masterpiece when it came out but liked it even more the second time around. Complex plot lines can easily confuse and overwhelm me and during my first viewing, I remember being a bit lost at times. This was partially due to the fact that I'm not an expert on the finer details of oil well digging and fleecing communities out of their money but it was also because all white people looked alike in the early 20th century. All those dark suits and facial hair make it impossible to tell anyone apart. This time I was able to pay more attention to the interweaving plot lines and the subtle differences in moustaches so my understanding and enjoyment increased immensely.

I too really loved it and give it a 9. Daniel Day Lewis is rightly celebrated for his tightly wound and slightly unhinged performance of a man slowly giving himself over to his inhumanity. The beginning is stunning, the middle engrossing and the ending perfection.

During my first viewing I thought it was a little too slowly paced but the second time I could have taken another hour. I liked Paul Thomas Anderson's previous three films a great deal but this was such a welcome change and an unpredictable left turn.

It's almost a shame this came out the same year as No Country For Old Men because any other year, I would say this would be a shoo-in for Best Picture. In every way, it is an amazing achievement and such a beautiful examination of greed and obsession. I'm a little bit sad it wasn't honored with more Academy Awards because it is so uniformly awesome. Everyone involved with it deserves a trophy.

I would give Paul Dano the Academy Award for creepiest creep of the year.

And quite possibly the decade.

The Sitnky French and Their Stinky Films

2009-11-06T22:55:00.003-05:00

One of the greatest surprises I ever had in life was finding out that small foreign films aren't necessarily blockbusters in their native lands. I guess I figured that if the movie made it to our shores, it must have been pretty big back in the motherland. When visiting France a decade ago I was shocked to see giant billboards in Paris for solely American films like "Mr. G" (Holy Man), "Sexe Intentions" (Cruel Intentions) and "American Boys" (Varsity Blues). Then I discovered while discussing movies with our host family in Provence that French art films are just as obscure there as they are here. I guess explosions truly are the international language and thoughtful, talky movies are an acquired taste no matter where you live.

We recently watched two Frenchy films and I loved them both. First up is The Class, an incredible portrait of an open-minded, thought provoking teacher trying his best to excite, entice and engage with his high school students. The naturalistic acting and dialogue is incredibly refreshing and the honest portrayals of the students, a diverse assembly of personalities and varying interest levels, was addictive to watch. I felt like I could have easily enjoyed four hours of this film and its fascinating conversations.

The scenes of the teachers chatting in the lounge or preparing for the school year or weighing their options when deciding how to punish a student were some of the most fascinating in the whole movie. Watching good intentioned adults struggle with the bizarre reality of the high school world and the adolescent mind was at once terrifying and exhilarating, making me both fear for and have great hope for the future. I give it a 7.

This movie reminded me why I got out of the profession. As always, my hat is off to teachers worldwide for holding their nose and jumping into the deep end. I have neither the desire nor the fortitude to pull it off.

Next up is L'Enfant, a brilliantly acted film about babies having babies. Well, not babies exactly but young adults who are selfish and petty and have twisted moral codes.

It seemed to me that the mother had her head screwed on pretty straight but it was just the guy who was a total degenerate. I guess she's at fault for hanging around with him in the first place but once he sells the baby she at least has the sense to try to ditch this zero.

What blew my mind about the character of Bruno was how out of whack his ideas were. He sells their child for cash while out walking around the gritty streets and is shocked - SHOCKED! - when his girlfriend Sonia is upset about this. Bruno seems to be expecting a round of applause or drinks for his actions and instead is mysteriously met with tears and rejection. The rest of this incredible movie follows Bruno as he tries to buy the baby back and right the many wrongs in his life. Unfortunately, his one talent is making bad decisions so it doesn't go as smoothly as he hopes.

The guy's a total cretin and he made me sick just to look at him. I thought this would be a heartwarming tale about young love and making it work in the unforgiving landscape of the modern city but instead was about scumbags and roustabouts and I was bitterly disappointed. A big fat 2 for this one.

I didn't know you were such a softie. I expected you to dig the dirtiness and grime of this movie.

When there's a baby in peril, I don't fool around. It took me a while but I finally figured out the titular child of this film was not the actual baby but instead Bruno and his petulant and infantile antics. A true downer.

I wonder why it wasn't a blockbuster?

The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

2009-10-30T23:16:00.003-04:00

Okay, enough of the 1970s. I'm ready to talk about Coraline, a kids movie not suitable for kids since it is actually a terrifying horror film about daydreams that turn into nightmares. What if you wanted a different life with different parents in a different world full of possibilities and wonder but it turned out to be a creepy backwards world full of dread and sadness? Coraline brilliantly explores the wonder of discovering a door to an alternate reality and all the exciting potential that brings followed by the crushing hammer of disappointment when this hall of mirrors shatters into tiny, jagged fragments. People had told this was a genuinely creepy movie and it certainly is. It's the kind of thing that could easily give a little kid nightmares and can trouble the soul of even the heartiest adult.

I was blown away by the animation in this film. So richly detailed and full of gorgeous colors. The shadows and backgrounds and set designs shocked me stupid with wonder and amazement. I give Coraline a big fat 9.

There is no doubt some serious work was done to create this movie but it left me wanting more and I'm not sure why. Something about the whole package just didn't click for me. I don't know what it is but it was the same way I felt after watching A Nightmare Before Christmas. All the pieces are there but I couldn't give myself over fully to Coraline.

I can't imagine what it could be. This is an incredible fantasy with genuine thrills and scares and it's full of truly interesting ideas.

I agree completely and yet...the voices were a little grating. Plus I didn't like Coraline's face or her attitude very much. She wasn't a heroine I could identify with or really root for. Plus Wybie's haircut was pretty lame. I know it's nitpicky but...

Seriously, that's why you can't stand behind this film and recommend it heartily? Because you didn't like the plasticine hairdo of one of the main claymation characters?

Yes that's exactly what I'm saying. A bad hairdo can derail an otherwise Oscar-worthy film. That's why Raging Bull lost to Ordinary People. It was all Joe Pesci's hair's fault and he will never be forgiven.

Frightless Night

2009-10-27T22:01:00.006-04:00

Another 70s horror film, another disappointment. This time the film is the non-classic Let's Scare Jessica to Death. This movie, about a woman who is either slowly going crazy or the only sane person in a town full of maniacal undead vampires, has mood in spades but little else.

Wha?!? Little else? Are you out of your mind? Jessica capitalized on the bizarre 70s feel you love so much and totally blew my mind. Look at that picture on the left. There she is, cruising the graveyard, not a care in the world. Is she mental, is she sane? Who cares? She's a ton of fun in the sun and I give it a 10.

I thought it started strong with a nice soft focus opening and some good shadowy scares but after that it grew increasingly ridiculous.

What you call ridiculous I call riveting. Name some things you found absurd.

How about the impromptu lute concert after dinner with the strange squatter they found in their house? Or the giant apple spraying machine that showered chemicals not only on the fruit trees but on anyone within 50 feet of the mechanical beast? I also thought that having Jessica's pet mole die from stab wounds was an odd touch. As was the dead child in the cello case. Shall I go on?

No need. You've proven my point. In what other film do you get such wonderfully bizarre scenes such as those? No such film exists. And the woman who played Jessica was astonishing. I truly thought she was on the edge of sanity with those facial tics, odd line readings and disaffected mannerisms.

She probably was a bit touched in real life. You can't fake that kind of crazy.

Maybe she didn't even know it was a movie. Maybe she thought she was being filmed as part of a documentary. That's why she was so emotional about that mole dying. The director is a genius! What else did he make?

Prancer.

The late 80s Christmas movie? Ugh. I take it all back.

Plastic Fangs Can Still Break Skin

2009-10-25T20:11:00.004-04:00

It's Horror Week here at the Wheel so let's celebrate with reviews of some spine-tingling, chill-inducing, buttock-clenching scary movies. Now we could discuss The Invention of Lying here since I was horrified by how bad it was, but I'll start instead with Martin, a horror movie in the more conventional sense of the word. I have this strange fascination with odd 70s horror films and I really don't know why. They usually disappoint me but I keep dipping into the pool over and over again, hoping to find another Halloween or Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Something about the graininess, the weird mood and somber tone just calls to me like a siren song and I am helpless against it. Martin fits the bill perfectly. It came out in 1977, it's snail paced and moody and there barely a fright in it since it's more concerned with psychology than scares.

I didn't understand this movie yet I also didn't really care to stop watching it. The whole "is he a vampire or isn't he?" premise was interesting but didn't really make sense after the first 2 minutes when you see him drinking blood from a victim's wrist. At that point, I was pretty sure he was a vampire.

Is Martin a vampire or is he simply a maladjusted young man who is antisocial, awkward and suffering from an insatiable thirst for human blood? That seems like a pretty easy question to answer.

Yet he keeps protesting that he's not even while secretly calling the local radio station and telling about his need for the warm red stuff. His problem is not that he likes to drug people, have his way with them, suck their blood and leave them for dead, it's that he can't own up to the fact that he's an 84 year old vampire trapped inside the body of a freaky twenty something in Pittsburgh. He's living in a delusional state and needs a wake up call.

Well he certainly gets one by then end of the movie.

Indeed. Martin has a lot of the elements of an interesting film (George Romero directed, there's a chase scene involving hypodermic needles, police and thugs engage in a shootout) but it didn't coalesce into an overall enjoyable film. I give it a 5.

Once again, I liked the setting, ideas and look of this seventies horror movie but there was no real payoff. John Carpenter, you have ruined me forever.

Bibles for Sale! New and Improved!

2009-10-18T20:24:00.005-04:00

The Maysles Brothers are justifiably famous for their documentaries Grey Gardens and Gimme Shelter but somehow Salesman doesn't seem to have garnered the same reputation as their other works. True, there are few less sexy subjects than door to door bible salesman but the film is incredibly engrossing and just as affecting as their better known movies. The subjects, four men in varying degrees of desperation, live out of shared hotel rooms in New England and Florida, swapping stories and commiserating while trying to push the good book on people who clearly can't afford it.

An amazing examination of the sales mindset, I give it an 8. I loved watching them constantly refusing to take no for an answer and pushing product at all costs. So many of the people who let them into their house are clearly kind souls who try gently to get rid of the salesmen and when that doesn't work, and it never does, the dance begins. There's a point in many of the sales calls when you can tell the family is thinking, "Maybe we should just buy this Bible and get this guy out of our home." It's that preying on the innocent that makes this profession and movie so fascinating.

Well, if you enjoy shifty tactics and lying for profit, then you must have loved Slasher, John Landis' documentary about Michael Bennett, the ultimate soulless used car salesman.

Quite the contrary. I give Slasher a 1.

Why? This movie, even moreso than Salesman, embodies the game that is selling product. Mr. Bennett is a "slasher" someone hired by a car dealership to come in for a weekend to blow out their old product by generating incredible excitement in the community and doing whatever it takes to get cars to roll off the lot, even if they only roll a block or two before breaking down. Slasher shows salesmanship as the performance that it really is. A place where truth has no meaning and the trick is to capture people's imagination and take their money. A place where selling them a dream is more important than selling a tangible item.

But Michael Bennett is repulsive beyond words and I wanted the vomit every time I saw him. His drinking and lying and boneheaded philosophizing made me ill. I also hated how he couldn't sit still. With all the bobbing and weaving and pacing, it seemed like he had Red Bull in his veins instead of blood.

The guy was certainly a hideous creature and what surprised me most was that, even though he was very much a product of the modern era, he was, at his core, the same slimy salesman that you find in the Maysles film. Where the Bible guys wore suits and generally looked more respectable, they still had the same single minded focus on lightening the wallets of their marks.

Just as the good lord intended.

Strays

2009-10-16T22:48:00.003-04:00

Wendy and Lucy is one of the longest short movies I've ever seen. Granted, I was tired and watching this alone late at night but still, at 80 minutes (including credits) I expected it to go by quicker. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it but be forewarned, there's a lot of walking and staring in this movie and not a whole lot more.

The script must be no more than 20 pages long.

Well you can't write a lot of dialogue when one of the two stars of the film is a canine who disappears for a majority of the film.

It's a road movie that never leaves the parking lot.

I enjoyed director Kelly Reichardt's first film Old Joy and was happy to see Will Oldham make a cameo in this one as a heavily eyelined borderline sociopath telling tales of Alaska near a raging bonfire surrounded by gutterpunks. After his exit it's a long slog through a sad story of a woman who has seemingly lost everything managing to find a way to lose a little more.

I just didn't feel too sorry for her. Anyone in her predicament should probably not have a pet draining their already empty and moth-filled wallet.

But love isn't based on logic and even though I can't identify with her situation, I developed great sympathy for her and the scenes with the security guard nearly broke my heart.

You just liked her haircut. I got tired of watching her mope around and endlessly call for her dog as she roamed the street of Portland. Boo to her and boo to the movie. It gets a 4.

You heartless bastard.

These Kids Don't Stand a Chance Either

2009-10-07T23:28:00.004-04:00

Do you live in a major metropolitan area? Do you have or are you planning to have small children? Did you know some preschools are willing to enroll zygotes as long as they have three letters of reference and exhibit good play skills in their one on one interview? It's no secret that people are procreating at a frightening rate these days and some cities are expanding at rates unseen in decades which is leading to extremely long waiting lists for nursery schools. In NYC, there are less open slots at nursery schools than there are snot nosed kids so what are the parents to do? Well, it turns out they have two options - they can either freak the fuck out and lose all semblance of human decency while fighting anyone who gets in their way as they desperately strive for those precious, precious slots or they can move the suburbs. This is what some refer to as a "no-win situation." The fantastic documentary Nursery University follows several families in various boroughs as they navigate the insane nursery school application process and try not to devolve into raving zombie-esque husks of humans out for blood.

This film made me glad to be an asexual wheel with no means of reproduction.

I went into expecting to hate the people highlighted yet I ended up liking or at least tolerating most of them. I thought they'd all be selfish maniacs with their priorities way out of whack but most seemed to be semi-regular folks caught up in a maelstrom beyond their control. There's no way people can enjoy the process, it is what it is and since they can't fight it, they have to just hold their nose and dive in.

Yeah, but some of them are rich bastards who use the term "feeder schools" without gagging and let the desire to give their kids the best life has to offer completely warp their minds. It was sad to see and I give the movie a 5.

Some of the parents were certainly annoying but I only ended up actively rooting against one couple and empathizing with most of the rest. Plus, the kids are pretty oblivious to all the nonsense and seeing them simply playing and being kids takes the edge off the craziness of the parents' race to get in the best schools. It's hard to hate on three year olds.

Watch me.

The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

2009-10-02T22:32:00.003-04:00

"Write what you know." So goes the common wisdom when it comes to the art of telling a story. The idea being that through examining one's own experience, the personal can become universal. Sometimes this little exercise goes well, as in Withnail & I, and other times it all goes horribly wrong, as in Adventureland.

Let's start with the wrong. Adventureland sucked six ways from Sunday and somehow managed to make amusement parks look boring. Good show, Adventureland, you ruined one of the pure joys in the world. A pox on you and a plague on your offspring. This movie gets a 1 and deserves less.

The story is your basic seemingly-inconsequential-events-turn-into-life-changing-experience tale of which I'm usually so fond. I love high school/college coming of age tales and this had the basic skeleton but couldn't quite find a way to make a single interesting scene.

I blame the "stars." Jesse Eisenberg was a stone cold snooze.

I actually kind of likes that he was the cliched sensitive guy but wasn't actually as spineless as they usually make those characters.

Spare me. He was a bore and so was the horsy Twilight girl. They were a match made in beige. Yawn yawn yawn.

The main issue with the film was that this was obviously based on an extremely influential and personal story for the writer but it just didn't translate well into film. Whether this was due more to an unfocused plot, tepid acting or just a generally uninteresting story I'm not sure but all three problems created an absolutely bland and forgettable movie.

Unlike the magnificent Withnail & I which also was obviously personal, if not autobiographical, but amazed and delighted throughout. So many hilarious lines and bizarre situations. As outlandish as the the characters are in this film, it's easy to relate to their genuine emotions and to root for them as the slowly lose their grip on reality.

It took me a bit of time to figure this film out. Two unemployed third rate actors/first rate boozers go on a "holiday by mistake" and hilarity ensues. The tone at the beginning is garish and ugly but sets the mood nicely for such a twisted little tail. Richard E. Grant is mesmerizing as is the guy who plays Danny, the wrecked drug casualty who steals every scene he's in. Withnail & I is a brilliant film about friendship that never gets mawkish or embarrassingly sentimental yet is still deeply affecting.

On paper, Adventureland seems like the place to be as compared to the setting of Withnail & I. Who in their right mind would choose a dingy, vermin infested flat in a crumbling city over lovely Kennywood Park yet somehow after seeing these films, I cringe at the thought of playing carnival games and falling in love and crave the taste of lighter fluid and shivering in a twin bed with a friend.

Lights, Camera, Coronary

2009-09-29T22:32:00.003-04:00

Somehow, I've never gotten around to watching Apocalypse Now. I've read Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness and I watched the bizarre parody Porklips Now at an age when I was far to young to understand and appreciate it, and now I've finally seen Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse. I was stunned by the insane journey undergone by everyone involved to create the film. I love movies about the creative process, especially when hampered by numerous horrible obstacles, and this documentary did not disappoint. It reminded me of Lost in La Mancha, the incredible movie about Terry Gilliam and the making and abandoning of his doomed adaptation of Don Quixote. Terry Gilliam had to suffer numerous creative and financial setbacks, an elderly star with severe medical ailments and the indignity of watching his equipment get washed away during a flash flood before he finally pulled the plug on his epic failure. Somehow, Francis Ford Coppola just plowed right on through problem after problem, putting his head down with a determination to finish the film no matter what. Nothing cowed him, not the firing of his star nor the heart attack of the star's replacement. Not even the fact that he didn't know how to end the movie would stop or hinder him. A paean to resiliency and bull headedness, this movie was engrossing and inspiring.

I saw it in a completely opposite light. Where you saw greatness I saw vanity. Your artistic vision was my deluded fantasies and unending hubris. Francis Ford Coppola, high off his Godfather films, believed he could create a war, film it and wait for the money to roll in. I was stunned to see he actually hired military helicopter pilots to fly the choppers in his movie.

But plenty of directors have used actual military personnel to assist in their movies.

True, but these helicopters and soldiers were needed elsewhere since they were involved in an actual war of their own during the production of Apocalypse Now. The shot of Coppola expressing his dismay that they were taking several of the choppers away while he was filming a scene amazed me as it showed a gall so large that only his ego could match it.

But doesn't art sometimes require fortitude of this magnitude? Don't you sometimes need to be stubborn and obstinate and unflinching in the face of obstacles if you are to create great art?

Bollocks. You can be kind and reasonable and still make great art. Miles Davis could have just as easily been a kind, considerate person and it wouldn't have necessarily affected his music in a negative way.

Possibly, but because of Coppola's dedication to his craft he was able to mold all the disparate elements into a singular whole and once again show his prowess behind the camera lens. What beef do you have against the man?

I will never forgive him for Jack starring Robin Williams. The man had a free pass for life after his 70s films and he squandered it on Mork from Ork.

Did you even see that movie?

No, but the trailers were painful and and because of them, this film gets a 1.

Light Beer is For Posers

2009-09-23T21:20:00.003-04:00

It's Autumn finally, the time when a young man's fancy turns to metal. At least this young man. The nights are longer, the air is colder, the amount of denim people wear increases by 30-40%. What else can one do but turn to metal? As Halloween creeps ever closer, the need for speed metal increases exponentially so I watched Get Thrashed: The Story of Thrash Metal to kick things off right.

Meh.

Yeah? Just a "meh"? Not furious enough for you.

Not even close. It was way to much adulation and way too little raw power. Endless talking heads jabbering about how "Metallica were the kings, man" or "without Maiden, you wouldn't have modern metal" gets real old real fast. A big fat 6 for this one.

It was a lot of preaching to the choir but I like that they followed the history chronologically and highlighted the east coast vs. west coast metal wars. I had never heard about that before and found it fascinating. I also still can't believe Metallica, after a short stint in L.A., were based out of San Francisco - that blows my mind.

The historical aspect was great but the interviews were rarely illuminating, which some would say is a given since you're dealing with metal heads, but some of them were actually pretty eloquent or at least thoughtful about the music and the art of thrash.

The modern metal dudes were mostly meatheads though, especially that idiot from Slipknot who seemed to be on screen more than any of the relevant musicians.

I was also dismayed at the grudge the thrash metal dudes still hold against Kurt Cobain, Alice in Chains and the rest of the bands who kicked metal out of the limelight in the early 90s. Metal has always had a cyclical nature when it comes to pop cultural resonance and the 90s were simply the beginning of yet another downswing. It's sad to see such bitterness still poisoning their minds.

The story is interesting, the music is incredible and the snapshot of early 80s heshers was awesome but it all left me a bit sad by the end. It was like watching a bunch of ex-high school jocks reminisce about how the good old days were the best time of their lives, which may be true, but it's hard to watch their empty shells wandering around babbling about the past. Although it certainly wasn't the films intent, Get Thrashed ended up making these metal gods seem depressingly human.

Not Worth the Wait

2009-09-18T20:16:00.003-04:00

I finally got around to watching two cult classics recently and was severely disappointed by both. First up, 1983 slow burner Local Hero. What a mess. The first half hour was genuinely funny but then it lost me completely as the setting shifted to a small Scottish town about to get very, very rich thanks to a visiting American from a company with its sites set on oil drilling just offshore the tiny coastal village. Things would have gone smoothly if it weren't for the crusty old coot living on the beach in his house without a door. Oh where would quirky comedies be without senseless plot complications?

Not nearly as awesome I'd guess. I'm assuming you hoped that this would have been more of a bland talkfest about the encroachment of modernity.

No, not at all.

And that the Scottish accents would have been thicker, almost garbled to the point of gibberish.

Actually I quite enjoy being able to understand the actors in a film.

And that Burt Lancaster would have played the kind of magical grandpa figure with a twinkle in his eye like in Field of Dreams.

Ugh, I can't stand that kind of character. These weren't the issues I had at all. I just thought it was a jumbled mess of a movie that started with an interesting premise and squandered it through endless boring scenes and odd plot developments.

I thought it was sweet and loved the whole Scottish escort/Marine biologist romance subplot. It was like watching an exceptionally pleasing sunset and I give it an 8.

I was underwhelmed but Sullivan's Travels bummed me out even more, no pun intended. I had heard for years about how great this movie was, what a landmark film it is. Now that I've seen it, I can't quite remember what all the hype was about as it wasn't a very good comedy and was a somewhat ho-hum drama and an extremely heavy handed message film.

But how can you fault the message? Someone has to celebrate the mirth makers and stick up for the clowns. This is the movie for all the people who complain that comedies are given short shrift when it comes to the Oscars because they are seemingly lighter and less substantial that dramas. Where would we be without the jesters?

I'm all for comedy, trust me, but the hamfisted way they cram the point down your throat bugged me throughout and sunk the film at the end when we had to watch the hard hearted director finally experience the pleasures of physical comedy. Tom and Jerry cartoons will save us all!

Maybe you're just a bastard too who doesn't know how to experience joy.

Maybe this film is an overrated and overcooked piece of social propaganda that overstayed its welcome and scores no points for those who wear baggy pants and take pies in the face.

Yeah, but what about Veronica "Va-va-va-voom" Lake? She was radiant in the film and even wowed the crowd while disguised as a young train yard roustabout. I give her, and the film, a 9.

She surely was easy on the eyes but not enough to save the movie. Especially in that travelling lad outfit she wore while hopping trains. It wasn't cute at all and was actually a bit creepy.

Sexiest newsie ever.

Number Nein

2009-09-09T00:02:00.004-04:00

Will the next Beatles revival really start here on 09/09/09? The four lovely lads from some bloody town in England are making another grab for the golden ring today with that age old marketing technique - supersaturating the market until resistance is futile. The Beatles Rock Band should blow minds everywhere with its tepid drumbeats (even on Expert I expect to not break a sweat) and the reissue of the entire back catalog is arriving just in time for the demise of the cd. Entertainment Weekly (my source) featured their pugugly mugs on this week's cover so the revolution must be in full swing. My only question is, where is the Criterion reissue of Help!

On the backburner somewhere, forgotten under a pile of dust and Eric Rohmer films where it belongs. It may be overstating the obvious to say that Help! is no Hard Day's Night but in the pantheon of films starring musical groups, it barely ranks up there with CB4.

Certainly it's not their finest hour but it did have some high points. The whole beginning of the movie is wonderful and the sustained lunacy throughout is so much fun.

But the thing goes on forever. It should have had an intermission like Fiddler on the Roof so I could get up, stretch my legs, take a walk and never return.

I agree, the plot gets a bit too thick and repetitive with the ring and the ring and the ring but I liked the Mod fashions and candy coloured madness. By the time they hit the beach, I was ready for it to wrap up but it's hard to dismiss the casual awesomeness of the Fab Foreigners. You can actually see them creating their own subculture in this film, digesting everything around them and spitting it back out in that unique Beatles way.

I give it a 5. It was missing the biting wit and incredible production of Hard Day's Night and the visual candy and psychedelic parlour games of Yellow Submarine. In their place was simply an endless silliness that was fun at first but grew tired and grating over the run of the film.

Okay, maybe it was a bit lazy, similar to the half-hearted improvisations seen in recent ensemble comedies but they're the Beatles and they get a free pass. It's almost critic proof at this point and whatever it was lacking in plot or pacing or dialogue it more than makes up for in songs. The soundtrack is the best of any of their films not only introducing the world the insane pleasures of "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" but also the simple delicacies of "You're Going to Lose That Girl." As a showcase for such perfect songs, it gets a 10.

True, true. The songs are without fault but the movie is not and I still prefer the Monkees' Head more.

No doubt. Head is perfection.

Never Go In Against a Theater Director When Death Is On the Line

2009-09-06T23:14:00.004-04:00

I first saw My Dinner With Andre 10 years ago. It was part of a double feature with My Breakfast With Blassie, a film that's better in theory than in reality. I loved Andre so much at the time that I had been dying to see it again for all these years, always wondering if it would hold up to my fevered memory of its brilliance and I'm glad to say it did.

And once again, you've somehow managed to work Blassie into the mix.

True. I didn't even realise that but what an odd coincidence. My coworker recently let me borrow his copy of the amazing "Listen You Pencil Neck Geeks." It's the autobiography of "Classy" Freddy Blassie and it's an incredible story, not only of a bizarre and wonderful personality who was involved with professional wrestling for over 50 years but also a history of the sport itself from the 1930s into the WWE era of the 2000s. I can't recommend it highly enough. It has little to do with the movie at hand, other than a brief mention, but it is interesting how Blassie has popped up again along with my re-evaluation of Andre.

And how did it fare this time around?

As good as I had hoped and it was as riveting as I remembered. Wallace Shawn is such an odd, miserable-seeming bird and a perfect foil for the charismatic and chatty Andre Gregory who for all his quirks and dalliances and searching seems to be much more self-assured and satisfied than Wallace. Andre spends the first 40 minutes of the movie basically in monologue telling story after story of his crisis of faith (with the theater being his religion), his subsequent meltdown and finally his journey to find an answer to a question he doesn't know how to ask. It comes off as new-agey bullshit and more than a bit pretentious but he's self aware enough to know it sounds this way which tempers the nausea it could easily create in the viewer. And Wallace is such a perfect stand in for the audience, simultaneously intrigued and repulsed by the stories Andre conjures up.

I felt exactly the same way. I kept wondering when he would shut up and let Wallace have a chance to offer up his opinion but he kept prattling on and on with another ludicrous tale after another. As annoying as it could be at times I never tired of his stories and wanted to hear more, waiting to see where this journey was leading.

He's an engaging personality and can certainly spin a yarn as evidenced by his harrowing and heart racing Halloween story that was just as powerful upon the second viewing. It's not a movie for everyone but if you like conversation and "big" questions and storytelling, it's got a lot to offer.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I loved it and give it a 9. The constant shifting of tone and incredibly varied subject matter sucked me right in. The questions they bring up (Do the rules of life apply to artists? How does one go about cutting out the noise in life? Are we just living out performances instead of our real lives? Are we really living? Are we robots? Are we dead inside?) are good ones and I love that they didn't offer any solutions, instead talking around and around and around. They ultimately end the conversation and leave the restaurant only because the check has come and not because they discovered any answers to these nagging issues.

As self-serious as it seems, it's actually incredibly funny, too. Andre has a good sense of humour about the ridiculous stories he tells and Wallace Shawn is always good for a laugh whether he's perturbed by the tales he's hearing from his former mentor or getting worked up about feeling guilty for taking pleasure in the simple joys of life like reading the morning paper and enjoying a cup of coffee. And even if the material isn't enough to hold your attention, you can always take a nap during it like Freddie Blassie did when he saw it in the theatre. You're in good company either way.

I'm Taking My Wedge and I'm Going Home

2009-09-04T22:30:00.002-04:00

There's nothing better than low expectations. I wish I could go into every movie with low expectations and only the tiniest idea of the plot. Unfortunately, this is not how it is with most films I watch but it was the case with Burn After Reading. The commercials were confusing and a bit off-putting. It screamed "forced wackiness" to me and there's rarely anything I hate more than that. Instead, I ended up totally bowled over by it's nonstop lunacy and quirky brilliance.

Agreed. A solid 8. This movie filled me with joyous delight from the start to the finish. It was so cleverly constructed and meticulously detailed, as all the Coen Brothers films are, and while in some ways it felt like a bit of a cast off, the kind of movie they could write in a half-conscious state, it was so charming and wonderfully entertaining.

There were so many perfect little snippets of bizarre dialogue, including the amazing conversation where the gym owner proudly shows Frances McDormand the photo of himself as a Greek Orthodox priest and she declares, "That's a good job!" Brad Pitt also had some choice lines and amazed me with his complete dedication to a role that called for him to be a complete buffoon in over his head and messing with the wrong people.

This movie perfectly achieved what Tropic Thunder failed at so miserably - showing ordinary doofuses acting like experts in situations beyond their scope and out of their control. Raised on movies and bad pop culture, they think they can play in the big leagues only to find out how dismally they actually perform when confronted with the severity of the situation.

It's a cautionary tale basically saying "Don't be a moron. And if you do, don't do it again."

Words to live by.

Burning Down the Haunted House

2009-08-31T18:40:00.004-04:00

The Haunting in Connecticut was a terrible disappointment.

Seriously? What were you expecting? Maybe you didn't see the previews because they weren't very good.

The first ones I saw made it actually look pretty creepy making this appear to be more of a spook story than a manipulative piece of garbage.

Well then maybe you didn't see the cast list because it includes Virginia Madsen who is absolute poison when it comes to quality.

But Martin Donovan was in it and I used to love him, although it was 15 years ago and I haven't really been impressed with him since he change my life in Trust.

And he really was stuck with a thankless role here playing a former drunk who is completely personality-free until he starts hitting the bottle again. His Dr. Jekyll was a snooze and his Mr. Hyde was ludicrous. I expected a terrible movie and it delivered perfectly. I give it a 1 for quality but a 10 for matching my expectations exactly.

I just wish they had left the "real" story alone. I watched a documentary about this case years ago and it was 10 times more frightening than this nonsense. The DVD extras were more unsettling than the movie itself which is not a sign of greatness. I just want my scary movies to actually be scary instead of stupid and while I am not a huge fan of Boo! scares, this movie actually had a few good ones that set a creepy mood early on. But then the writers embellished on the story so much and so badly that it derailed the film and ruined the whole thing.

Bringing in ectoplasm as a plot point probably wasn't the best idea.

It was one of the most idiotic and far-fetched pieces in a sea of bad ideas but one the minds behind this movie latched onto in the previews and posters so they obviously thought it would wow the crowds. The scene was ridiculous and a little gross. Also, all the close-up morgue preparation shots weren't scary as much as they were nauseating and vomit-inducing. I guess if you want a visceral reaction from the audience, throwing up is just as good as wetting your pants with fright.

Kill Yr Idols

2009-08-26T00:00:00.003-04:00

Besides being an incredibly long title, The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford is also a pretty awesome movie.

Long title, long movie.

True, it's pretty damn long but it's worth it. I loved the glacial pace and the slow burn of the drama. It added to the intensity of the film. I can't quite out my finger on why but this film deeply affected me. The morality of it all was so muddy and complicated and the overall tale of a young upstart who finally meets and destroys his idol was utterly fascinating. Also, Brad Pitt rocked my world as an unhinged Jesse James, filling the screen with his menace and cold stares. His unpredictable portrayal of the famed robber had me as jumpy and on edge as any masked horror movie villain. Like a caged animal, he seemed ready to pounce at any moment. He should win an honorary NRA award for the scene where he was sleeping with his gun in his hand. If there's one thing you don't want to do, it's creep around at night next to a light sleeper with an itchy trigger finger.

His blue eyes, which at times can be inviting swimming pools were like icy cold steel bullets in this film. Terrifying. And I've said it before but I'll say it again, I'm in love with Casey Affleck. When will the Academy get off their collective duff and honor this man properly? His subtle changes in facial expression and broad range in this film carried me through what could have been a total snoozefest. I give it a 6.

I was captivated throughout but I saw you nodding off at times or looking around the room for the nearest escape route. Even if the story was a bit slow here or there, didn't you just love looking at this movie? The colors and set design were lovely and I was blown away by the insanely beautiful cinematography.

They could have titled it "An Endless Parade of Images of Wheat."

There weren't that many shots of wheat.

It was like watching an Andrew Wyeth painting come to life.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I have a feeling you could watch paint dry and find something positive to say.

I wouldn't rule it out.

Sometimes It's Like The Wheel and I Share a Brain

2009-08-20T21:06:00.003-04:00

I’ve been to a few weddings in my life and even co-starred in one myself. They’re always enjoyable celebrations and wonderful chances to catch up with people whether they’re old friends, distant relatives or former cellmates. If I ever go to a wedding as tedious and infuriating as the one in Rachel Getting Married I might end up swearing them off for good.

Most of the people in the film seemed to be having a good time though so are we just heartless bastards who hate watching others enjoy themselves when we can’t be a part of the action or were the characters in this film really as heinous as they appeared to us?

I don’t really know. I’ve been trying to figure it out since this got wonderful reviews and other people I know really dug it but I just hated everyone in this movie. I hated the crybaby father, the cruel and distant mother, the fresh out of rehab sister and most of all the hateful Rachel who was so gross and so smug.

Her friends were all toolboxes as well. They all were so pleased with themselves. It was like a nonstop pat-yourself-on-the-back-for-being-so-hip party. Do people really act the way these cretins did during the rehearsal dinner? That dude in the sunglasses who thought he was the bee’s knees deserves an extra eternity in hell for the suffering he put me through. If there were a spin lower than one, I would give it to this movie for his performance alone.

And let’s not forget the ludicrousness of the dishwasher scene. I couldn’t tell if the husband-to-be was supposed to actually be loving this absurd nonsense or just tolerating the family in the lead up to the wedding. If I was him, I would have amended my vows that very night to include something about promising to move far, far away from the rest of those wingnuts.

But he’d still be stuck with Rachel. To have to wake up every day next to that beaky face and wonder what long-simmering domestic issue would come boiling up today is a hell of a jail sentence to assign yourself. Save yourself, dude from TV on the Radio!! You do not want to get mixed up in this lady’s mommy issues!

The woman who played Rachel has zoomed to the top of my list of actors and actresses who I will avoid at all costs in the future and who will forever be the subject of my ire. After this malarkey and her turn as the most annoying phony hippie/beat/folky artist of all time in Mad Men she has rightfully claimed the number one slot.

Goodbye Will Smith. Hello Rosemarie DeWitt.

And coming in as a close second would be everyone in Nick and Norah's Infinitely Playlist.

Except for Michael Cera, right?

Right. He was still good but nothing he did could salvage this terrible mistake. Not only was it poorly written, badly acted, shoddily edited and amateurishly filmed it was also a confused mess. It was like four films in one, all of them poopy.

This waste of celluloid seemed like it was written by 15 year olds for 15 year olds. With the exception of a few laughs, I hated every single second of this movie. It was the longest 90 minute film I've ever seen.

My only hope is that Michael Cera did this as a favor for someone because there's no way I can believe he read the script and wanted to particpate in this abomination. How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.

Spoiler Alert!

You can thank me later for saving you 90 minutes of your life. Here we go:
The horrible band Michael Cera was in & their horrible song, the awkward shoehorning in of indie music and Bishop Allen's live performance, the way everyone said Norah was the coolest yet she was cold and boring and mean, the gum in the toilet, the "joke" about how the drunk friend liked to vomit in the same places in NYC, the drunk friend, the non-drunk friend, the whole Where's Fluffy nonsense, the absurd holding hands stupidity, the fact that the two gay guys in the band had a trunk full of women's underwear for no apparent reason, the doofus the band members pick up who says his name is "Lothario" with a straight face, the way none of the clubs or bars seemed to have any issue with scores of 18 year olds pouring through the doors, the drag queen holiday cabaret, the horrifying seduction dance by Nick's ex, the orgasm subplot, the Electric Lady Studios visit and the terrible ending. Do not see this movie. It will make you hate romance and it will make you hate music.

Somehow though, Michael Cera emerges unscathed.

Flight of the Prawnchords

2009-08-17T22:30:00.005-04:00

District 9 is a phenomenal film. A summer sci-fi movie that could have done everything wrong somehow ended up being super awesome. Over and over again the director/writer Neill Blomkamp avoided cliches and filled the movie with a genuine humanity without too much sickly sweet syrup or nonsense. It was never not interesting and there isn't a dull scene in it. A genuine masterpiece.

That's a pretty strong word. Are you sure you want to go so far, so fast? The thing just came out. Don't you want to take a minute to reflect on it before you go spouting off with such hyperbole?

Don't tell me you were underwhelmed. It was a stunning movie full of thrills and chills and bellyaches. I've reflected on it for the past two days and I'm quite confident in my reaction. It was amazing. What more could you want from a movie?

I think you know the answer.

'Splosions?

Exactly. The action in this film was superb I just wanted more of it. The trailer makes it seem like wall to wall exploding rockets and debris but there was also a lot of talking. You know how I hate exposition.

But that stuff was as intriguing and fun to watch as the mayhem. The storyline is obviously well thought out and well executed. It has the great handheld realism that Cloverfield had without all the annoying rich kids. It's allegorical without hitting you over the head. You can read as a critical attack on a number of topics and you can just as easily enjoy it as a monstrously cool science fiction gem.

There was also a lot of oozing in this film and I'm pretty squeamish. It's hard to enjoy a movie when you're watching it through your fingers.

Yeah but there's also a lot of cool weaponry and alien inventions like steering slime. I'm really surprised, wheel. I figured this movie would hit you right in the sweet spot and you'd be giving it a 10. There must be some other reason you're only rating it a 5.

If you really must know, it's because the lead actor, Sharlto Copley, reminded me too much of Rhys Darby.

Murray from Flight of the Conchords?

Yeah and I couldn't get the image out of my head and it completely ruined the experience. I kept hearing that little Kiwi voice come out of his mouth as Sharlto paraded through District 9 - the whole thing ended up being the most disturbing episode of Conchords I'd ever seen and I didn't like that one bit. "Alright, item 3. Now if one of the prawns was to have a girlfriend, would you find that...A: Very Positive: B: Positive..." You see what I mean? Absolute torture.

The Unofficial Biography of Nature Boy Ric Flair

2009-08-14T23:08:00.003-04:00

Mickey Rourke is a creepy looking dude. This is not something that’s up for debate. He’s a trainwreck of a man with a worn out saddlebag for a face and where he seemed smarmy and dangerous in his younger days he’s now broken and bruised. But somehow he's still dangerous. I was ready for him as a leathery creep in The Wrestler but I was not prepared for how sweet and funny he was able to be too. His incredible performance vacillated between animal rage, timid schoolboy, damaged self abuser and kindly old man and certainly deserved all the accolades heaped upon it.

He was pretty stunning in the film but overall I was less than moved. The whole Marisa Tomei storyline did little for me and her mousy countenance annoyed me whenever it was on screen. I also didn’t buy the whole sidebar with his daughter. I give it a 5.

I’ll agree about the daughter storyline (featuring the overrated Evan Rachel Wood from the horrendous Thirteen) but the rest of it really resonated with me. I loved watching his character in this movie. My heart went out to him and I still get choked up thinking about some of the more emotional or harrowing scenes.

Like the extreme wrestling match?

Exactly. That’s the kind of thing that wakes me up at night with the cold sweats. I couldn’t get that scene out of my head for weeks and to me it epitomized the bottomless depths people can let themselves get sucked down into. Absolutely soulcrushing.

Best part of the film.

You are a sick, sick wheel.

What can I say? I was raised on wrestling and this was the part that rang the most true for me. I started off with WWF but soon found it too hacky and naturally gravitated towards the grittier and more “realistic” NWA featuring such luminaries as the Great Muta and Norman the Lunatic. I remember one match where a plastic bag was put over someone’s head and then they were clubbed on the shin with a metal pipe. Now that’s wrasslin'.

That’s horrifying. I liked the more human scenes like when he was working at the deli counter or challenging the neighborhood kid to some video game battles. My favorite moment may have been when he nearly lost his mind over “Round and Round.”

You simply can’t go wrong with Ratt. Their music worked magic in Point Break and it does wonders here too. If this movie had focused more on party rock and 2x4’s to the head it would have rated a 10 but the director seemed to try to marry awesomeness and an art film and ended up with not enough of either. Whoever put this YouTube video together understands what pure entertainment is. Enjoy.

Two Turntables and a Toblerone

2009-08-12T23:30:00.003-04:00

Looking to have your mind blown? Watch Scratch. This fantastic documentary highlights the history of hip hop djs and the art of turntablism. Director Doug Pray interviews most of the heavy hitters including Grand Wizard Theodore, DJ Babu, Mixmaster Mike and DJ Qbert but unfortunately leaves out wedding and bar mitzvah djs completely. Saving them for their own film I suppose. Aside from that minor misstep, it's a great way to spend an hour and a half.

Wiki wiki wiki.

What's that?

Wiki wiki wiki.

The wheel was deeply affected by the film and has spent the last 48 hours practicing scratching and beat juggling non-stop. During brief breaks from the turntables, he's been scouring the stacks for obscure breaks.

Chewit. Chewi-chewi-chewit.

I can only assume he gives Scratch a 10 as the culture has completely enveloped his world. As good as it is, the film is not perfect. The scenes of dj battles and the endless references to "Rockit" are never not fun but I have a serious beef with the movie. Where was the shout out to Newcleus? It's as if "Jam on Revenge (The Wikki-Wikki Song)" didn't even exist. I kept waiting for them to interview Cozmo D or Lady E, or at the very least Chilly B, but my dreams never came true. Sitting through the credits, tears staining my cheeks, I thought, "How dare they? Where is the justice in this world?"

Jam on it.

Word.

Rock 'n' Roll Whooptie Doo

2009-08-10T23:23:00.002-04:00

Anvil! The Story of Anvil was a surprise heartbreaker. Billed as a real life Spinal Tap, it's the tale of a incredibly genial and goofy Canadian metal band that started out promising but never hit the big time while creatively inferior bands were basically treated like geniuses and received enormous recording budgets. It's a classic rise and fall story without much of a rise followed not so much by a fall but more by a constant, negative plateau.

Those hosers deserved what they got. Sure the drummer could tap out a beat pretty fast and the singer/guitarist could use a dildo to shred on that Flying V like nobody else, but the tunes they write are pretty sub-standard and lame.

But you could say the same about many other bands that were lucky enough to grace the cover of Kerrang! back in the day. Faster Pussycat? Enuff Z'Nuff!?! The Bullet Boys!?!?!?

But they were prettier. "Lips" and Robb Reiner are some pretty heinous looking dudes, even by metal standards. On scale of 1 to Lemmy, they fall somewhere in the middle.

It couldn't have just been looks that catapulted those other bands to the spotlight, could it? There had to have been other factors working against Anvil.

Exactly. They were missing the essentials such as drive, ambition, talent and managers who don't book them shows where they play in front of 11 confused Transylvanians.

I disagree. They obviously had the drive but I think both their home base far away from the Sunset Strip mixed with their inability to play by the rules of the record industry crippled them to point of no return. Anvil had no idea how to advance in the world of music, how to show an ounce of professionalism or how to navigate the oily back room dealings that fuel fame and stardom. They are the Replacements of the heavy metal universe.

I give it a 5. It was amusing to see how similar they were to David St. Hubbins and Co. but I just couldn't care about them enough to root for them.

Poor, heartless wheel. I cry for Anvil and I cry for you.

A Hosehead Makes Up For Lost Time

2009-08-05T14:13:00.003-04:00

Somehow I made it through my adolescence never seeing Strange Brew, even though I was a huge SCTV fan, and I was worried that it was too late for me to enjoy it.

Too late?

Well, I feared that the window of maximum enjoyment had passed. Sometimes, silly movies like this are best enjoyed in childhood before the mental pop culture quality censor really starts working. During those years where the internal critic is a gentle, loving soul, it’s easy to fall in love with a movie and that love then carries through the rest of your life so the film continues to be thought of warmly, equal parts nostalgia and genuine affection. Thankfully, none of that mattered as I instantly fell in love with this comedy masterpiece.

Was this movie Swedish?

What?

Swedish. Were they speaking Swedish or something? I couldn’t understand a word.

No, no it was English. Canadian English but it was still in your native tongue. Did you really not understand any of the dialogue?

Not a word and because of that I give it a 3 for tedious boredom. What was it about anyway?

Two guys in a misadventure involving hockey, hops and hijinks. Plus it doubles as a remake of Hamlet with Doug and Bob as Rosencrantz and Gildenstern.

Poppycock.

No it's true. Check it out. These guys are smarter than you think and the movie is unbelievably good, even for a latecomer like me. I can't recommend it enough. Also, Rush approve of it so you know it's quality. Here's some more brilliance:

Puff, Puff, Puke

2009-07-31T23:21:00.002-04:00

Oh Pineapple Express, how you disappointed me. This started off strong but got progressively worse to where I hated it passionately. Actually, let me correct that. It started off kind of annoying with the underground wartime pot experiment nonsense but then grew thick with absurd conversations and stoner humour. I was loving James Franco’s shaggy dog weirdo, especially during his moronic adventure with Seth Rogen overnight in the woods but by the end of this movie I hated it so deeply that I could barely contain my anger. What was with the craptastic second half of this movie? It made me realize why I don’t watch action films. The endless scenes of jumping and shooting and slow mo diving and screaming squandered all the goodwill the silly first half had built up making me shout at the screen and wince every minute that the credits were not rolling. Boo to all that.

I agree fully. A complete waste of time that filled me with animal rage. I give this excrement a big fat 1.

Really? You? I thought you were just praising ‘splosions and the like in your review of Badlands . What gives?

The problem is these weren’t real explosions. It was all done in a distanced, wink-wink manner. They didn’t take it all the way. It was like little boys at play rather than grown men putting all their cards on the table. And the Danny McBride character was a one note that grew increasingly ludicrous and annoying as the film went on. One long, sour note. Also, I hate it when a character’s hairdo is supposed to be a joke in itself. Was his mullet supposed to be so hilarious that it elicited a laugh every time he appeared on screen?

Lame, lame, lame. Whoever edited this flaming pile of poo deserves a Razzie since it was at least 3 hours too long. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been a starring role for Jamie Foxx.

Oooh, now there’s an action star I can get behind.

Like Father, Like Son

2009-07-30T19:08:00.004-04:00

After The West Wing first aired, I came to think of Martin Sheen as a boring actor and was sick of hearing people say "I wish Josiah Bartlett was really our president." "Maaaaaan," I would think to myself, "screw Martin Sheen." Well, Badlands set me straight. He was amazing and wonderfully affectless as he carried out crime after crime and murder after murder. His face registered no disturbance as he committed atrocious acts and he really seemed to be an unfeeling sociopath, reminding me of his terrifying acting job in The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane.

Wasn't it stunning? You could look into those dark brown eyes and search far and wide but you still wouldn't find a soul.

He's a supercreep and he scared me into loving him. What else could I do?

You and Sissy Spacek both had no choice other then to fall for this nutjob. I would drop my normal life in a half second to ride shotgun with him, mowing people down and living it up on the lam.

You sound a little too excited by the prospect of harming innocent civilians. I'm trying to make the point that Martin Sheen played Kit so believably that I was whisked away into his swirling world of madness. I wouldn't really want to join him on the other side of the law.

Suit yourself, baby. Those people had what was coming to them. I applaud his stick-to-it-iveness and the dedication to his craft.

His craft?

Blind, random violence. I give it an 8 for it's ugly, pumping heart beating beneath a twisted buddy picture/road movie. And for the shooting and the 'splosions.

You must have loved Repo Man then.

Why?

Because it was an extended bad mood set to film, angry at the world and everything in it.

It was too arty. I prefer the straight ahead storyline of a shotgun blast to the gut. Repo Man was full of needlessly bizarre scenes and made no sense to me.

I loved all the weird touches like the proliferation of air fresheners, the generic food packaging and the intensely strange bar band who Otto complains about: "I can't believe I used to like these guys." Emilio Estevez shares his father's thousand yard stare and simmering anger.

His petulant whining made me furious as did everything else about this silly movie. Bad production values, horrible music on the soundtrack, an ending that made no sense. Boo to all that. If he were my son, I'd disown him. Charlie would never upset me like this. When are we going to review Major League II?

A Knight in Augie's Army

2009-07-27T23:20:00.005-04:00

Paul Rudd is watchable in anything. I loved him as the bizarre, absent-minded surf instructor in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, as the angry, food tray tossing counselor in Wet Hot American Summer and now as the energy drink pushing, court-ordered Big Brother in Role Models. And something about Seann Wiliam Scott does it for me too. I'm not sure what it is though since he reminds me of all the meatheads I went to college with, but his sense of self-awareness makes him more palatable than the frat boys without a home who made me constantly fight the urge to kill in school.

You know, you're friend Listmaker is not a fan of Mr. Scott and I have to agree with him. His "self-awareness" as you call it comes across as smarmy and the annoying persona of someone who is a little too pleased with himself. Listmaker also hints that the nerdy kid from Superbad wasn't enjoyable in his film either and I second that emotion. In Superbad he was like a panther disguised as a geek. Here he was like a wet, whiny blanket that made me sad for the future of America and its legions of fantasy addled agoraphobes.

What?!? I hated McLovin' but mysteriously found Master Mintz-Plasse much more appealing as a kid who simply wanted to live in the world typically inhabited by half-elves and bugbears. And seeing Paul Rudd come to his senses and embrace the world of way-too-old-for-this-sort-of-shit role playing adventures and join those who wish Rivendell were a real place made me a bit teary eyed and reminded me of the brilliant last episode of Freaks & Geeks where James Franco's character stops fighting his natural urges and gives way to the hypnotic whirlpool that is Dungeons and Dragons. All hail Carlos the Dwarf!

Gadzooks! You're a true blue fantasy freak aren't you? I identified with the cape wearing doofus' parents and cheered as they belittled his lameness. Once they tacked on that Hollywood ending where the parents saw through his pasty, sun-averse shell to the Minotaur-swilling, cool dude beneath, I cursed this piece of filth and everyone involved, including Eva Card who did a fantastic job playing the Chocolate Strawberry Girl. She is the only thing allowing me to give this movie a 2 instead of the 1 it deserves.

Taste the icy steel of my Battle Axe, heathen!

Sans Serif

2009-07-20T22:56:00.004-04:00

Probably at the top of most Netflix queues, Helvetica is a fascinating documentary about the font Helvetica. Seriously. And I watched it, proving to myself that I will watch anything.

You seem like you're being sarcastic. Fonts are fascinating - Arial, Comic Sans and the perennial favorite, Wingdings 2.

Agreed, that's why I watched it and it was fascinating. Amazingly so. I just don't think everyone feels that way but this has something to appeal to nearly everyone, not just nerds like me who used to create their own fonts. (My favorite was named Turtle.)

That certainly is nerdy and weird but you've got nothing on the font freaks in this film. These people live, breathe and eat fonts all day long and make references to art movements and font progenitors that nobody outside of this small circle of oddballs has heard about. And they're so passionate about it. One of my favorite interviewees was the guy who badmouths the crazy, campy 50s font styles and sees Helvetica as our savior, ushering us into Modernism. He believes Helvetica is the ideal style for letters and numbers as opposed to the guy who sees Helvetica as an example of all that is wrong with modern society, a sort of ubiquitous, junk food-style McDonald's of the typesetting world.

If I'm not mistaken, I believe one woman even blamed Helvetica for causing the Iraq War.

She did indeed.

I also loved the interview with David Carson and it was lovely revisiting the madness of his long forgotten Raygun magazine with its insane font explosions and experimental layouts. His ideas are a wonderful example of the viewpoints on the other end of the spectrum, where things are not so elegant and simple and perfect.

The film did a fantastic job balancing the various views and uses of Helvetica giving voice to both proponents and detractors. I give it a 7 as it was informative and not nearly as boring as one might think it could be.

I was shocked to see that Helvetica is used everywhere, from IRS forms to NY subway stops to American Apparel ads. It's unavoidable and inescapable and a blank slate for people to use for whatever means they want to and in turn Helvetica ends up reflecting their personalities and backing up their viewpoints. Some see it as a result of the rise of Capitalism while other see it as a Socialist font. It is the rock and roll of fonts - Born in the 50s, perfected in the 60s, blown out in the 70s and 80s, revived in the 90s and part of the universal social fabric in the present age.

So where Max Miedinger and Eduard Hoffman are the Buddy Holly and Chuck Berry of fonts, Arthur Ritzel is the Beatles?

Exactly.

Varying Degrees of Hilarity

2009-07-17T07:04:00.003-04:00

Ricky Gervais is one silly, giggly man. The Office and Extras are unbelievably great and while his Out of England stand up special is very funny, it also highlights his hammy, self-indulgent side.

Indeed. I gave it a 5 due to the ghastly sight of his overblown ego parading around the stage and laughing at his own jokes as if it were the first time he had heard them.

I think that's just the way he is. In the bonus footage for The Office and Extras you can see what a goon he is, cracking himself up and barely making it through a line reading without doing a spit take or exploding in laughter. I find it endearing.

And what a daring comedian he is tackling uncharted comedy territories such as penis size and nursery rhymes.

True, he's not really breaking any new ground but he's inherently hilarious and knows how to tell a good tale. His enjoyment of himself and his material is catching.

I much preferred Patton Oswalt's Werewolves and Lollipops.

So you prefer his explorations of the taboo subjects of bad horror films and and small town clowns to Ricky Gervais' discussions of more mundane and cliched topics?

I guess all comedians fish from the same general pool but even when attacking common comedy fodder he finds a new way to handle it and provides fascinating observations on old chestnuts like America's love of overeating and close minded doofuses. His bit on the miracle of childbirth is enough to garner a 10 for this masterpiece.

I actually loved this one too. I was crying with laughter more often than not and completely fell in love with Patton during the course of this DVD.

On the other side of the comedy coin, there's Zach Galifianakis who is part of the same comedian crew as Patton but he has way more facial hair. And he's not funny. Not at all. At least, not on the Live From the Purple Onion disc. It was horrifying and I turned it off after 10 minutes.

You have no respect for the craft. You probably just didn't "get" him and needed to put in some more time on this one.

I'm pretty sure I did "get" him but watching someone who appears to be half asleep and half drunk sit at a piano and tinkle out some notes while telling really lame one liners isn't my idea of comedy heaven. The interspersed bits of him driving around and the interview with his "brother" didn't add anything good to this mess. His joke about the guy who gets his 7s and 9s mixed up was atrocious and the opposite of funny.

How wrong you are. His beard alone is worth a few laughs and his drunk guy at a piano shtick is comedy gold. I gave this an 8 as I was rolling and spinning with delight during the brief time you allowed this to play. Who knows what genius was lurking in the later moments of his routine?

I didn't have the stomach to find out. He seemed so self satisfied and in love with himself that one less fan isn't going to matter and I have better things to do than watch such a lame performance. I just don't understand why so many people seem to be in love with this man and his giant beard.

Would you prefer a Carrot Top special next time?

Perhaps.

Poppy Nogood

2009-07-15T23:20:00.007-04:00

I thought I was going to hate, or at least really dislike, Happy-Go-Lucky but I actually very nearly loved it.

You should have stuck with your first instincts. I did. I give it a 4.

Really? You give it a 4? What could have possibly annoyed you about this movie?

Plenty. Her unrelenting positivity, the angry, spittle-covered driving instructor, the accents.

They're British. You can't fault them for their accents.

True but I also can't understand them. Did you see Mike Leigh's earlier film Naked? It was like watching a foreign film without subtitles. Marble mouthed gobbledy-gook.

I was afraid that her happiness would override anything true or recognizable in the film but I should have known better since Mike Leigh's films tend to be pretty grounded in reality. When I saw that she was a preschool teacher I feared for the onslaught of sappy crappy "life is a chair of bowlies" type nonsense but the movie was nothing like that. Brilliant, sparkling dialogue permeates the film and lead Sally Hawkins is an amazing actress who radiates joy throughout the film without obscuring brief glimmers of sadness and without being unable to show compassion and empathy to those around her. Happy-Go-Lucky makes a good case that we all lie in the bed we make for ourselves.

Poppycock! She was a mildly mental grinning goon who lived in a fantasy world that is depressing to everyone else since she is too far down the rabbit hole to really see herself as she really is. If this is what happens when we decide our own fate, I cast my fortune to the whims of the universe.

I think you could use a hug.

Cancel My Plans To Live In the Middle of Nowhere

2009-07-14T00:04:00.003-04:00

The Strangers was an insanely intense experience. There are few things more terrifying to me than home invasion and this movie takes the feeling of terror felt during the brilliant opening of When a Stranger Calls Back and extends it for an entire 85 minutes.

Pure genius. This maniac director really knows how to pile on the scary. Most horror movies give you a scene or two of calm before hitting you in the face again with a shovel or large kitchen knife but there's none of that easygoing nonsense in The Strangers and that is brilliant.

I'm pretty sure my heart was pounding throughout the movie even during the relatively harmless prologue just knowing that we were in for some bad times ahead. If you want a horror-induced stomachache this film is for you, although I could see some people hating it.

Who?

I don't know. The same idiots who hated The Blair Witch Project. "You never saw the witch! It wasn't scary at all."

But that's not the issue here. You get to see the scary masks over and over again and they are never not disconcerting. Just look at that thing over there to the left. It's a fright!

Agreed, but some people might want to see Scott Speedman take an axe to the head.

True but if you find yourself rooting against Liv Tyler you have no heart.

I think people hate her too. At least certain people.

But she was Arwen Evenstar!

You're not helping your cause.

But what a screamer. My god! This movie gets a 10 just for her screams.

She was pretty convincing. I gave myself over to this movie completely and suspended all disbelief, succumbing to the desire to have my pants scared off of me. The opening shots set the tone wonderfully and I loved every minute from beginning to end even going so far as to watch it again from the start when the Netflix DVD we had suffered a meltdown 20 minutes in (just when the terror kicked into full gear) and we ended up having to get a new one. What do people do with their DVDs?

They use them as drink coasters, label side down and as cutting boards when using Exacto knives. It's shameful really.

Agreed. People are the worst. Anyone who treats DVDs this way deserves to be harassed and terrorized by masked invaders. It's really the only fair punishment.

No doubt. And I'm out.

Rub a Dub Dub, a Bunch of Dopes In a Tub

2009-07-11T12:17:00.009-04:00

Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat has everything you'd want in a movie - Nazis, public drunkenness, a rich woman losing all her possessions, amputation and 'splosions so why isn't it more enjoyable?

I don't know what your problem is. I give it an 8 - Joyous Delight.

Joyous? It was a boat full of miserable people trying to survive after their boat was blown up. I saw no joy in it. Plus, some of the acting was extremely hammy. And what was the deal with Hume Cronyn's voice? Was that an accent or was that his regular voice? Is that how they speak in Connecticut?

It was like the gentle call of a songbird outside my window in the morning.

I just thought the whole plot was a bit too contrived. It was probably pretty shocking and thought provoking in 1944 but I was less than impressed.

So did you completely hate it?

No, it was fine. A perfectly enjoyable movie but probably better suited to a Sunday afternoon viewing on tv while drifting in and out of napland. It's certainly not in my top 10 Hitchcock films.

But what about that Talulah Bankhead? What a fox!

She looked old and haggard to me. Everyone on the boat seemed to have a crush on her, even the baby, and that mystefied me. She also looked much older than her 42 years but I guess that makes sense given her insane personal life. I was reading about her on Wikipedia and the woman was reportedly a voracious lover regardless of gender and seemed to cause a stir wherever she went, sometimes by doing an underwearless cartwheel in public while wearing a skirt. Here's my favorite anecdote from the site:

"In 1933, Bankhead nearly died following a five-hour emergency hysterectomy for an advanced case of gonorrhea, which she claimed she contracted from Gary Cooper. Only 70 pounds when she left the hospital, she stoically said to her doctor, 'Don't think this has taught me a lesson!'"

She's my new hero. Can I change my rating to a 9?

Jason Bourne Takes a Hike

2009-07-07T20:12:00.005-04:00

I have spoken at length before about Matt Damon, how much I love him and how shocking this is to me. He pals around with that Ben Affleck lunkhead who, other than his awesome SNL stints, is mostly useless. Matt Damon is such a better actor and makes much more interesting choices, like the confusing and awesome Gerry.

And the Bourne films.

Well, yes, of course the Bourne films are awesome but they're the kind of thing Ben Affleck would choose, and louse up, if given the chance so they're not really a good example of an unusual movie choice for an actor at Matt Damon's fame level.

Yeah, but did you see that third one? When he jumped through that window? Amazing!

Agreed, but again, I feel that you're not doing anything to help my argument. Matt Damon as a closeted homosexual murdering people in The Talented Mr. Ripley is more of what I'm getting at.

A bit of a snore but not bad. I prefer when he's beating people up with his bare hands.

So you must not have liked Gerry, then.

No, I spun a 7 - Warm Affection, which kind of shocked me but there you have it.

That's how I feel towards this film. It's the kind of movie I feel the need to defend even before people have seen it and have a chance to ridicule it for it's long, aimless shots of two guys wandering through the desert. It's a bit of a slog but I came to love it in the end. At first, I really didn't know what to make of Gerry. Two guys venture out on a hike to see some nameless thing and end up lost and getting loster as the movie continues. That's about it. They have vapid conversations, try desperately to get back on the path and end up about as lost as you can be in the midst of a bleached landscape. Are we supposed to be rooting for these guys, laughing at them, seeing ourselves in their plight? I'm not sure really but once they started talking about jumping from a great height onto a 2-inch "dirt mattress" certain it would break their fall, I realised that they weren't seasoned hikers and disaster was lurking nearby.

What did you think about the drawn out scenes of them shuffling along dusty paths? Mind numbing or mind blowing?

I found them hypnotic and amazing. It was like a challenge just to sit through some of the shots but I love slow, nearly plotless films and it adds to the endless madness they must have been suffering. What did you think?

I had no problems with it. I have a bit of a crush on Casey Affleck so I could have watched an entire movie of him sweating in the desert and talking about Wheel of Fortune.

Agreed. He seems to have gotten the talent in the Affleck clan while Ben only got the fame.

True, but Ben did get to play the Phantom which, while not a great movie by any standards, did feature lots of punching.

Good point.

A Mouthful of Blood To Celebrate Our Independence

2009-07-04T12:23:00.004-04:00

28 Weeks Later

A squandered opportunity for more speedy zombie wonderfulness. I really enjoyed 28 Days Later, especially the first half hour featuring a post apocalyptic London, but this terrible sequel was a hot mess. The gritty, washed out handheld shots of zombie attacks at the beginning were great and reminded me of Saving Private Ryan if it had been directed by George Romero as an episode of Homicide but the rest was absolutely worthless and unbelievable. Well, as unbelievable as a movie about a zombie infestation could really be. What did you think wheel?

3 - Tedious Boredom.

Yeah, I think I agree fully with that review. How many mouthfuls of blood do I need to see before I go from entertained to disgusted to bored? Plus, the Godspeed You Black Emperor ripoff music on the soundtrack just pointed out how wide the chasm was between the first movie and this horrendous follow-up. Even Stringer Bell couldn't elevate this movie beyond shlock horror nonsense.

And why did they make him use an American accent even though this movie was set in Britain?

I think it was because he was an American soldier brought in to restore order to the British populace. Maybe their armed forces had all been zombietized and they needed reinforcements. Maybe they wanted him to bring some of his street tactics to the quarantined area and let him shows those zombies things what's what.

Well, he certainly wasted no time in green lighting the mowing down of hundreds of innocent civilians. That scene was horribly disturbing, even for a wheel.

That's how they do it in the streets, though. If you're in the way you become collateral damage. These innocents shouldn't be coming to West Baltimore if they don't want to get shot, you know what I'm sayin'?

This was not filmed or set in Baltimore and that man's name is not Stringer Bell. I think you're confusing pop culture with real life again.

Irregardless, this was a terrible movie that made me hate America. Happy Fourth everyone.

A Word of Explanation

2009-07-01T18:02:00.003-04:00

Please allow me to explain how this blog will work. I will watch a movie and form my opinion. I will then spin a wheel with 10 segments, courtesy of the game of Life, and see how the wheel rates the film. I will then have a discussion with the wheel to see how our opinions match up or how they don't. I will speak in regular font, the wheel prefers bold face type. The wheel also has a slight British accent but you'll have to create that part of the dialogue on your heads. Feel free to use puppets if you'd like, there really are no wrong ways to interpret these entries.

I've Got a Tape I Want To Play For You

2009-06-30T23:07:00.004-04:00

I've come a little late the Stop Making Sense party but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it as much as someone who's been in the know for the past 25 years. In 1984 when this film debuted I, like much of the country, found myself entranced by the "Burning Down the House" video and the giant, projected David Byrne head on the highway. I probably had some fleeting knowledge of the big suit made famous in this movie. I had no idea that this work of genius would completely blow my mind shortly after my 32nd birthday.

There were numerous scenes in this amazing piece of magic that made me want to jump out of my skin I loved them so much. I can't remember the last time I had such a visceral reaction to a movie. How did I not know how awesome this movie was? I figured it was a typical concert film and had it on my radar for years but never had any great desire to watch it. From the moment you see David Byrne's shadow advance towards the stage I was captivated and when he approached the microphone to gently state the quote that I used to title this entry, I was all in.

Enough of my blabbing, let's see what the wheel says: (whizzzzzzzz) 6 - Mild Enjoyment

Noooo! This is a solid 10. A perfect movie from beginning to end. The way the crew slowly build up the stage behind the musicians as the show continues. The jogging in place and spastic dancing and sheer manic energy displayed by almost everyone on stage. The many fantastic hairdos that David Byrne has throughout. Mild Enjoyment. What about the sort of crazed, caged animal look in David Byrne's eyes half the time balanced with the elated, open mouthed singing he does, belting out such amazing songs as "Naive Melody (This Must be the Place)" and "Crosseyed and Painless"? The dance he does with the lamp? The way he seems to be at once orchestrating everything and also somehow a naive childlike figure encountering this all for the first time? The shock of seeing him so young, so vibrant, so full of life?

Yeah, but what about the Tom Tom Club segment? It was a fine intermission and let Tina Weymouth showcase both her lovely singing voice and her wonderful dance moves. Yeah, but Chris Frantz? True, he's better off not near the microphone but it was brief and it allowed David to change into the big suit for the final set of the film. This movie made me realise how awesome Talking Heads were and are and how odd it was for a bunch of art school freaks to hit the pop charts and sell out huge auditoriums but that was the 80s I guess. The joy on stage is impossible to ignore and I can think of few other films as consistently fun as Stop Making Sense. This trailer for the film touches on all the highlights and makes me want to watch it again right now.

Mild Enjoyment. Hmmph.

Let the Spinning Begin

2009-06-29T23:16:00.003-04:00

I've been told on several occasions by several people that my movie opinions make no sense. Actually, people have often commented that my reviews of all forms of pop culture make no sense and seem to follow no set series of rules and sway aimlessly in the wind as if my opinions were simply decided by the toss of a dart of the spin of a wheel. "To the contrary!" I shout. My opinions all have deeply grounded reasons that prop up either my unhealthy love or inappropriate hatred for whatever has entered my cultural microscope. This blog will be the place where I spill my secrets like unwanted seed upon the desert floor.

When my radio show came to an end a few months ago, I found myself with a lot more free time. Add to that the doldrums of rerun television (save Wipeout!) and Hott Mama and I decided to rejoin Netflix after a short trial period 2 years ago. I had initially been against the ubiquitous movie-by-mail giant. What about the local video store that I love so much? They have a great selection and free popcorn plus a knowledgeable staff of nerds and freaks - I can't turn my back on them. Fast forward to the recent past where the store has lost the workers I adored and I often found myself walking aimlessly, shuffling zombie-like for hours on end only to return home with terrible choices made in haste when I realised how much time had been wasted wandering the aisles and I had to admit to myself the bloom was off the local movie house rose. Plus, Netflix has this new watch instantly option and it's not simply filled with shitty C-grade comedies like the stuff you find on Hulu. Johnny Appleweed, anyone? Just a few months ago I couldn't pick a movie to save my life but now I'm up to my armpits in quality films (mostly). I've been working through the ever-growing queue for a little over a month now so let's start over analyzing the world of the home cinema and let's spin the wheel.